STILL HOPEFUL

My Little Penguin

2012-01-26T03:05:00.000-06:00

I shared this picture on my other blog and wanted to post it here too because the boy is just too dang cute! He wore this penguin sweater for Christmas but I didn't get any pictures of him wearing it so I put it back on him last week before taking the tree down and snapped a few pics. I think they turned out fairly well for an impromptu photo shoot.

Not only did I want pictures of him in his sweater before he outgrew it, but I wanted a couple pictures of him by himself in front of the boys' Christmas tree. Except he's not quite sitting up on his own yet and we don't have a Bumbo, so I just layed him on his belly on the ottoman and slid it in front of the tree- it was the perfect height.

I also liked this picture because in the background are Sam and Jack's painted ornaments (the porcelain discs above Hayden's shoulder and above the red ornament), as well as Hayden's handprint. I wanted a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament but never bought one because I thought we would have gotten one as a gift. We didn't. And when I tried to find one, they were either sold out or I didn't like them. So we just made one with supplies we had on hand- a glass ornament, craft glue and white glitter. I think it kind of looks like a Mickey Mouse paw. haha! On the back side of the ornament, I wrote the date in with a silver paint marker.

The Difference A Year Makes

2012-01-15T23:16:00.001-06:00

This day last year, we found out we were pregnant. It was a scary feeling. Of course I was happy and thrilled, but the fear overwhelmed me. Years rolled down my face because I didn't know what the future would hold. I didn't know if the baby I was carrying would survive, if everything would be okay. Though I hoped with all my heart, I just couldn't imagine what my life would be like with a living child. A year later, this is the miracle that was growing inside me. Not only did he survive, but he thrived and has grown into an amazing little being. It's amazing the difference a year makes.

This is the stick I peed on a year ago. It still says I'm pregnant to this day.

And this is what we made! Gorgeous little Hayden.

He rolled over for the first time on his own last Sunday. We were so proud of him. I'm sure he would have done this sooner, but I'm terrible at making sure he does "tummy time". Mostly because he hates it, so I always give in and turn him back over. And because he always spits up in this position. He looks rather unhappy in these photos- not because I am forcing him to show off for the camera, but because he had the hiccups. He HATES the hiccups. That second picture in the collage looks likes he's crying out for help. haha!

Well Hayden turned 4 months old on the first of the month. He has gone through a growth spurt and all his size 3 month footed jammies that were fitting last week are no longer long enough. It's like he just grew overnight! I had a couple pairs of jammies in his diaper bag last night. I tried to put them on him and it was like stuffing a sausage. He was a trooper but he was rather annoyed after his third outfit change.

He went to the doctor this past Tuesday for his 4 month check up. He got his DTap vaccination and didn't even flinch. It was 4 hours later when the pain set in. He cried a terrible cry, that left his momma in tears too. It was awful. I had given him Tylenol right after the shot, but forgot to give it to him later in the evening. He let me know, but it was too late. I've never heard him cry like that before. I felt guilty and helpless. Poor guy. Luckily once the meds kicked in he was fine for the rest of the evening. I've learned my lesson.

He weighs just over 16 pounds, which is only about a pound up from last month. His weight puts him in the 73rd percentile, and his height (26 inches) in the 75th percentile. We always tease him that he's got a big ol' noggin, but surprisingly, it's below average in size at the 25th percentile. Who knew?! I guess we can't make fun of him too much :-)

He's still only drinking breastmilk which the doctor says is just fine. As long as he's still growing and I'm producing enough for him, he's just fine to continue on an all milk diet. The doctor said I could start him on rice cereal but that it really wasn't necessary just yet. My mom bought him some but I think I'll hold off as long as I can. Once milk isn't enough, we'll add the cereal. Hayden is a good sleeper. He sleeps for about 6-7 hours, eats then goes right back to sleep for another 3 hours. He also takes about 3 naps during the day. I still don't get anything done, but at least he's getting the rest he needs.

He's starting to sit up on his own too. He sits with me in the recliner (leaning back) and he starts to pull himself up. He's got some good core strength. He's not really interested in sitting much though, he just wants to stand. We joke that one day he's just going to get up and walk on out of here. My grandma says he's just ready to go to school.

This is Hayden and I showering together when he was just one month old. I look back at him now and he looks so tiny. I love our time together in the shower and he loves the water. He just moves his head from side to side (like Stevie Wonder) when the water is falling down on him. He's a funny boy.When he was first born I'd give him a bath in the bathroom sink, but he quickly outgrew that. He still showers with me on a regular basis but he got his first bath in the kitchen sink this past week. Why? Because he had a major poopy diaper.

WARNING: POOPY PANTS BELOW!!!

What a slippery mess he was. And stinky!

And here he is enjoying the bath. Clean and happy! The outfit he was wearing was a whole other story though.

So there you are, Hayden's first couple weeks of 2012. A happy new year it is!

Hayden's First Christmas 2011

2012-01-03T01:58:00.003-06:00

This may have been Hayden's first Christmas, but I was really the one who got the greatest gift this year, of the boy in blue with a red bow. Couldn't be more perfect, if you ask me.

We didn't do many gifts this year, but Hayden got some books that he helped unwrap and I got a birthstone ring to match the others I have. I'll have to take pictures of them to share on here. Together they are really beautiful.

After about 50 tries, I managed to set the camera up to take a family photo. Of course Autumn was sleeping on our bed and couldn't be bothered to sit with us, but that's okay. I love this photo. Family. That's what it's all about.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T03:05:00.002-06:00

Wishing you and yours peace on this Christmas day.

~ Mr. H, Hayden and Monica

Where Did December Go?

2011-12-20T21:29:00.005-06:00

I just put up my Christmas tree. Yeah you read that right. It's December 20th and my tree just barely got decorated a couple hours ago. Actually, it's just Sam and Jack's mini tree this year. The big one and all of the inside decorations are still in the attic. I feel like I need another 4 weeks to get ready for Christmas. But despite my feelings, Christmas is still coming on Sunday whether I'm ready for it or not.

In that top picture, Hayden is wrapped in the blanket I knit for him about 3 years ago. It felt good to finally have a baby wrapped up in it. And in the picture above, he is wearing a hat and sleep sack a friend made for him. It's still a little big but he's pretty cute in it.

I've been MIA on this blog but things have been good. Hayden definitely keeps me occupied. Parenting is hard and exhausting! Yes, it's rewarding (as everyone says) but it is HARD. So if you're reading this and no one ever told you how hard it is, then I'm here to break the news to you. :-) If you're already a parent to a live child, then you're probably smiling and nodding in agreement. I can have a long frustrating day and when I see those soulful steel blue eyes, it makes it all worth it.

Hayden is finally sleeping better and longer. Thank goodness! He sleeps for about 6-7 hours, then wakes, eats and then goes back to bed for another 2-3 hours. You can see by those cheeks that he is eating well. I'm not sure of his exact weight but I'm thinking he weighs about 16 1/2 pounds. I won't know his exact weight til he goes back in for a checkup in January, but I can tell you that he's 5 inches longer than when he was born.

He's also teething. Still no teeth yet, but the drool is flowing and his fists are constantly in his mouth. When he gets really fussy, Mr. H will carry him around the house and play Super Baby. He just loves it and has ever since he was about 2 weeks old. He just goes around the house with his head cocked to the side like that. It's funny.

So that's pretty much it for now. I could blog more often but talking about poop and lack of sleep would get monotonous. I miss you all and wish I had more time to get on the computer and check your blogs. Why don't you save me the time and just tell me what you're up to and how you're doing in the comment section. :-)

I wish you all a Merry Christmas or whatever other holiday you may celebrate. May it be joyous and peaceful.

~Monica

3 Months Old

2011-12-19T23:00:00.001-06:00

2 Months Old

2011-11-20T14:16:00.004-06:00

This is a little late because Hayden is going to be 3 months old already but it's too cute not to share. Besides it gives me the opportunity to tell you about how well he slept last night. My mom put him to bed about 9pm. I woke him up at midnight to change his clothes and diaper. He ate then went back to sleep from 12:30- 5:30. Woke at 7:30 until 8:30, then fell asleep again til 11:15. That's the most sleep I've gotten since before he was born and I feel awesome!

I've pretty much given up on breast feeding but yesterday when I got out of the shower, Hayden was crying and hungry. He was nuzzling against my breast so I offered it to him and he took it, without hesitation! He fed for about 5 minutes then started fussing because he wasn't getting it fast enough, but it's progress.

This year I'm giving thanks a little early. I hope you all have a great week.

~Monica

A Hayden Update

2011-11-13T15:55:00.004-06:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Motherhood is hard and exhausting! Of course it's rewarding and well worth the effort but it's still hard. Why didn't anyone tell me?! haha!

Hayden is now 10 1/2 weeks. I took his two month picture I just haven't uploaded it to the computer yet. He is wonderful and growing like a weed. We found lump on the back of his neck (which turned out to be a lymphnode and nothing to worry about) last week. At the doctor on Friday he weighed 12 pounds 8 ounces, which is not quite double his birth weight. We now have a schedule and pretty much stick to it daily. It consists of eating, spitting up, eating, sleeping, cooing, eating, spitting up, sleeping, eating. Repeat.

He is not sleeping through the night but he sleeps for a 4-5 hour stretch then eats and goes right back to sleep for another three hours. Of course I'd love 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep but I'll take what I can get :-) I thought for awhile there he had reflux but the vomiting stopped. He spits up frequently but nothing extreme, except for this morning. This morning he threw up all over himself and me. I was soaked he had curdled milk in his eye lashes. It was gross!

Hayden went to the urologist for a follow up appointment for his enlarged kidneys. They're still enlarged and fluid filled but they're not any bigger than before so the doctor said she'd check them again in three months.

We made it to the pumpkin patch this year. Hayden was not impressed but we had a good time. Taking my son to pick pumpkins has been something I've looked forward to for years. This year we were able to do that. Of course all he wanted to do was sleep and eat but that's okay, we got some great pictures. We didn't get Hayden a costume but my mom brought over Aaron's pumpkin costume that he wore 16 years ago. It was a little big but he was pretty cute.

On Thursday night (10 weeks old) my mom came over and stayed the night. She took care of him while we slept. Its the first time without him and I cried. I missed him in our bed with us but I did get some sleep. Thank God and my mom! The following morning my mom looked like a zombie. Her eyes were half shut and she was exhausted while feeding him. He was wide eyed and cooing. haha! She offered to do it again I'll need to give her a break so she doesn't change her mind.

Let's talk poop for a moment. H usually poops several times a day- like almost every time he eats. But starting the day before Halloween that changed drastically and now he's going every 3 days. That's just strange to me. We asked the pedi about it at his 2 month check up and he said his stomach is becoming more efficient and he's using up all the good stuff in the milk and peeing out the rest. Okay, but where is all the poo? The doc said he wasn't constipated, there just wasn't any waste to poo out. But when he had his ultrasound for his kidneys the tech commented on how full his bowels were and that was after he had just pooed. So why isn't he pooping regularly? Any thoughts on this?

Not sure if Ill update again before Thanksgiving but I hope you all have a fantastic holiday. Lord knows we have much to be thankful for this year.

Hayden's Birth Photos

2011-10-25T03:04:00.001-05:00

I don't know if I ever told you guys, but a dear friend of mine, Lori from LFE Photography, was allowed in the operating room when Hayden was born. She photographed the whole process from the moment we left home to following him and Daddy to the nursery to get cleaned up. I'm so glad we have these photos because the morning of his birth went by so fast and was such a blur. Having these photos gives me option to go back and see all the beautiful moments I may have missed. Lori took several hundred photos, but here are just a few.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Thank you Lori!

Photos taken by LFE Photography

6 Week Update

2011-10-19T01:17:00.004-05:00

Here's a quick update in bullet form. I've been wanting to get on and update, just haven't had the time!

Hayden is now 6 weeks old and 5 days.

His belly button has been oozing since the "stub" fell off at 2 weeks. I cleaned it often and thought it would dry out. It never did. I called the pedi and they put silver nitrate in his belly button to dry it out. His belly button now looks gray and burnt but it's fading over time.

He had a rash/baby acne on his face. I say it was a rash from heat and spit up, the docs office says acne. I put cortisone on it and it went away. I don't think acne goes away with cortisone, but what do I know?

Last Wednesday I had my 6 week checkup- all is well and I am down 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. woo hoo! It's a great feeling except I don't have any pants besides jammies that fit.

Last Wednesday was also when Hayden got his first tear. It was sad :-(

He has finally grown out of Newborn size diapers and has moved into size 1.

He still wears newborn clothes but has a couple outfits in size 0-3 that fit.

I think he has acid reflux. He vomited (not spit up) once last week and it happened again twice last night. We've been keeping him upright after eating,but feedings have become frustrating and messy. I haven't called the doctor yet because I was waiting to see how he did the rest of the afternoon and so far he was okay.

Last week Mister ate like it was going out of style- I think he was going through a growth spurt because he was eating 2-3 ounces per sitting more than he usually did. He was eating 3.5 ounces. Lat week he was eating 5-7 ounces at a time. crazy stuff! He would eat, burp, be content then start screaming (not crying). We couldn't figure out what was wrong. After an hour we realized he was still hungry. Hayden has stupid parents.

We had a garage sale this past weekend- it was exhausting to say the least.

On Sunday evening I took a 5 hour nap and felt amazing and re-energized.

At his check up last week, he was 9 lbs. 13 oz.

I ordered and got his birth announcements in the mail last week, just haven't had time to send them out. My friend took our pics and they turned out beautifully!

Singing or humming "You are my sunshine" still makes me cry. "Love Me Tender" is one of our favorites.

I finally bought a breast pump, rather than renting. Those suckers are expensive.

Miss you all. I'll be back soon with his 2 month picture!

Remembering Our Babies

2011-10-15T00:00:00.010-05:00

**This is an ongoing list from 2007 to current**

Today is October 15th, a day of awareness and remembrance. Please take a moment to read and speak these babies names aloud. They deserve to be acknowledged. These are the angels that I "know".

Samuel Andrew- August 15, 2006
Jackson Robert- February 21, 2007
Adrianne Miranda- August 16, 1977
Lucas Allen- June 15, 2006
Baby Ford- March 8, 2007
James Travis- August 13, 2006
Sara Elizabeth- October 2, 2006
Logan Matthew- October 25, 2006
Bailey Louise- June 9, 2006
Evan Wesley- May 24, 2007
Mikaela Gabrielle- February 12, 2006
Reef Kaiolohia- February 7, 2007
Sam T.- March 23, 2007
David K.- March 5, 1999
Madison Grace- April 1, 2007
Brionna Faith- September 11, 2002
Julia Izabelle- July 12, 2001
Rae T.- January 12, 2007
Scott Nicholas- March 22, 2007
Lilly M.
Lydia Eve- May 9, 2007
P.G. Evans- September 4, 2007
Cameron Reid- August 30, 2005
Tyler Scott- November 29, 2007
Hayden Leo Rich-Masters- January 13, 2005
Benjamin Thomas- December 31, 2003
Nicholas Joseph- June 28 - July 21, 2008
Arin & Alex- August 13, 2004
Carleigh McKenna- March 28, 2009
Ava Rose Daher- April 14, 2009
Sophia & Ellie- April 25, 2009
Harry Line- April 24, 2008
William Jared- May 29, 2009
Ethan William James- June 14 - August 1, 2008
Aiden & Sophie- April 13, 2009
McKenna Grace- March 2, 2009
Oscar Friedrich & Bella Marjorie- July 30, 2009
Emi- February 23, 2007
Daniella- May 12-13, 2008
Cooper- July 30, 2007
Brayden- March 6-7, 2008
Dylan Michael- May 8, 2006
Riley James- December 26, 2006
Ethan- May 23, 2008
L.A.M.B
Christian- January 26, 2007
Jacob- September 8, 2007
William Kelly- February 1, 2006
Harvey- July 7, 2007
Baby Franklin- February 25, 2007
Nadia & Cerina- November 18-24, 2006
Emma LaRue- September 1, 2007
Logan Thomas- August 4, 2008
Kinsey & Ryan- November 2005
Gregory- June 17, 2008
The Twins- October 2006
M- December 16, 2005
Ms. G's Baby- October 2009
Henry- January 17, 2008
Sarah's Baby Girl- September 9, 2002
Jessica Anne- May 12, 2007
Rory- May 8
Kameron Elijah- April 27, 2005
Baby McDowell- October 2009
Evan Clements Maynard- December 24, 2007
Gabriel Elliott Groce- October 19, 2009
Felix David Groce- April 4, 2008
Ethan- April 13, 2008
Michaela- February 13, 2009
Emma Jean Moelder- October 21, 2009
Tianna Michael Madison Lopes- August 20 -Sept. 27, 2009
Ashley Ariana- born sleeping at 19wks
Madeline Corinne- November 11, 2009
Brett- June 2, 2008
Ireland Elizabeth- January 26, 2010
Selena Kay- March 8, 1999
Luke- April 11, 2009
Allyson Lee- February 24, 2010
Kanin Wade Standley- January 11, 2009
Christian Noel- May 6, 2009
Grace Christian- September 2, 2010
Baby Dupuis- August 7, 2009
Baby Dupuis- December 1, 2009
Collins Babies- March 2005 & June 2006
Wyatt Daniel Keith- August 8-21, 2010
Ethan Daniel Keith- January 24, 2005
Chandler Keith- June 22, 2004
Kendall Keith- December 16, 1998
Mary Lynn Keith- December 18, 1994
Chloe Nicole Beck- June 19, 2009
Matthew Joshua- December 2, 2007
Brandon Scott- December 4, 2007
Annalyse and "Our Little Boy"- April 24, 2011
Gabriel Lee Meza- born at 18weeks
Baby Sheridan- August 17, 2009
Baby Sheridan- January 15, 2010
Johnrey McGrew- September 4, 2007
Payton Meadow- February 14, 2011
Baby Terrell- July 29, 2005
Baby Jaleyce- June 25, 2011
Jae Marie- November 17, 2010
Angelica Oas Mann- August 17, 2011
Cooper Thomas- January 7, 2009
Ashley Rose- June 21, 2011
Carson James- July 28, 2010

William Hudson Oliver- October 31 - November 1, 2011
Emma Grace Oliver- November 1, 2011
Matthew Phillips- September 30, 1976
Alexander North Bieniek- August 21, 1998
T.J McMahon- January 16, 2001

George Allen McMahon II- October 27, 2003
Todd Allen McMahon Jr- December 2, 2004
Jacob- July 24, 2006
Jonathan- August 12, 2006
Benjamin- September 27, 2011

How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your tiny footprints have left upon our hearts.

__________________________________________________
Please honor your baby or a baby you know by leaving their name under comments and I will add them to the list of babies to always be remembered.

Thank you,
Monica

1 Month Old

2011-10-04T01:04:00.003-05:00

I'm Not Going Anywhere

2011-09-22T23:17:00.004-05:00

Today is Hayden's original due date. It's crazy to think that he should have been born today yet he's already 3 weeks old. Time has just flown by!

A friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago what I was going to do with this blog. I wasn't sure exactly what she meant by that, but I'm assuming that she meant that since I now had my miracle baby that things were better and I was "healed". The truth is, that Hayden makes my heart sing and makes my life better and happier but he can never replace Sam and Jack. I will always miss them and no amount of time can or will ever change that. It's simple, they're not coming back as much as I'd like them to.

When we were in the hospital just a couple days after giving birth, Mr. H and I took a walk around the maternity floor per doctors orders. We walked past the nursery and the nurse's station that peered down the hall. I saw the room at the end of the hall by the exit sign in which Sam and Jack were born. It's been 4 1/2 years since I've been in that room but I was ready to go back there. I was in a different place and I could handle it, or so I thought.

We asked the nurse if anyone was in that room and she said that a couple had just left that room but it wasn't clean. If we wanted to go in there we could. We walked down the hall, slowly, hand in hand. About 15 feet in front of delivery room #6 and I was stopped in my tracks. I saw the card on the door. The card in which a leaf cradled a tear drop. The card that meant a baby had died. My heart sank knowing that those parents had to walk out the back exit just so they didn't have to walk past the nursery full of babies. I cried for them knowing they were leaving the hospital without their much loved and wanted son or daughter. I wanted to rush out to the parking lot and hug them and tell them that I understood what they were going through. I wanted them to feel less alone but I couldn't.

In that moment, when my world was shining bright and was whole again, I was reminded just how fragile life is. I know how blessed I am to have this sweet soul in our lives and it doesn't matter that at 4 am, he's wide awake and won't go back to sleep because he's gassy. It doesn't matter that I've cried a few times over my lack of milk production because I thought I was failing him as a mother and he was going to starve. What matters is that he's here and we are doing our best.

I will have struggles as a new mother and I will have down days when I miss Sam and Jack so much that I can't function. I didn't go into room #6 on that day- I had to turn back around. And as long as I have moments like that when grief comes out of nowhere slaps me in the face, I will still be here and so will this blog.

Hayden's First Few Days

2011-09-10T17:00:00.008-05:00

Here I am just 2 days before giving birth to Hayden. I already miss being pregnant. I know that may sound crazy, but I do. This pregnancy was taxing, but I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. Well, obviously, I traded the pregnancy in for the baby, but you know what I mean. I just miss the bond we shared together- his movements, his kicks, the waddling, the cravings :-). I'd much rather have him here than to be pregnant, but I miss that and it was over so quickly. I was just telling my doctor I needed a transition period between being pregnant and bringing him home. It's so different, even though I'm caring for the same child.

Arriving at the hospital at 7am. My doctors office is right across the street behind that sign. It was a privilege parking there.

The c-section went very quickly. We arrived at 7 and got prepped. We were to head back to the OR at 9am, but we were ahead of the schedule by about 30 minutes, so I went back early. I wish I could have slowed everything down, as it just went by so fast. Thinking back now, I wish I could have rubbed my belly one last time too.

My friend Lori was allowed in the OR to photograph his birth. I'm so glad my doctor allowed that because I know I'll treasure those photos forever. So much was going on and it happened so fast I don't remember all of it. I fully expected the procedure to take longer than it did. It seems like I was in there on the table getting prepped then 5 minutes later he was being pulled out of me. I wasn't sure how I'd react, but once I heard his cry it became so real. It's almost like I was still expecting things to go wrong. He was alive and crying and it just seemed so surreal. At this point, I felt like I was dreaming.

At birth, Hayden weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces, but when we left the hospital he was about 6 pounds, 3 ounces. He's been eating well, though breast feeding has been a challenge. Once I started pumping, I started producing more but he refuses my breast. I think it's because eating from the bottle comes much easier and he doesn't have to work for it. He's a lazy (but eager) eater! I'd love to breast feed, but at this point I'm just glad that I'm able to feed him breast milk rather than formula. There's nothing wrong with formula feeding, but they gave him some at the hospital because he was "jittery" and it didn't settle well with his stomach- he spit it up about 4 different times.

Going home- This is when it started to feel real! Watching Mr. H put him into the car seat and load him into our vehicle brought tears to my eyes. Though it's something I always hoped for, I never thought it would happen. It wasn't until the night before that we actually put the carseat into our car. To do it any sooner was almost like a jinx.

But we made it home. Once we got through the doors, I lost it. Our baby was finally home where he belonged. Heck, I'm crying now! It seems like I am crying everyday now. Sometimes for no reason at all, and others because I'm just so grateful and amazed by him. Seriously, I just can't believe where we are today. I thank God everyday for him. He really is a miracle baby. And I have to remind myself of that when I'm completely exhausted at 3 am and have to get up to change his diaper and he poops on me. Totally worth it.

Here is when he met Autumn for the first time. So far she has been wonderful. She is just curious and wants to sniff him. She doesn't appear to be jealous of him- it's almost like she knows how special he is to us and is just as accepting. She even gets up with me at night for feeding and changings. Then we all go back to bed. She's a good hairy big sister.

Just look at that sweet nose and those lips...I am completely and entirely in love. Yes, it's hard and it's an adjustment, but it's all we've ever wanted. I don't know why Sam and Jack were not given the same chance at life, but I know deep in my heart that he was sent to us from them. He's the best of both Mr. H and I and even more perfect than I could have ever imagined.

High blood pressure, protein in my urine, 4 nights stay in the hospital, bloating, discomfort, mood swings, 4-hour glucose tests, Trisomy scares- looking at that face makes all those troubles melt away and nothing else matters.

Worth The Wait

2011-09-05T22:21:00.002-05:00

Introducing my new son:

Hayden Bonnell

September 1, 2011

8:58 am

6 pound 11 ounces

19 inches

Let The Countdown Begin!

2011-08-26T00:18:00.000-05:00

My goal this pregnancy was to make it to at least 36 weeks and I've done it! My ultimate goal, obviously, is to bring a live baby home, and in 6 days he'll be here!

6 DAYS!!!

In my heart, I am ready, but I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared yet and I'm not sure I'll ever be. We've been on this journey for just over 5 years and next Thursday Sam and Jack's brother will be born into this world- it's all so very surreal.

This past Tuesday, I went to my doctor appointment and got my last P-17 injection. Of course I had to document it so I could show him when he's a teenager (and making me pull my hair out) all I went through for him. And when I tell him he's a pain in my butt, I can show him that giant needle! haha!

My BP and protein levels weren't great at my last appointment, but they weren't horrible either. At this point as long as my numbers aren't increasing, my doctor isn't too worried. After tomorrow, I only have one more appointment before the bambino gets here, so as long as I don't have any complications within the next week all is still planned for next Thursday. I asked my doctor why she didn't want me to go past 37 weeks and she said it's because at that point my risk for Eclampsia goes way up and so does my risk for seizures and stillbirth. Neither of those am I interested in!

It seems once week 35 came along, I started to get uncomfortable. It's also when the stretch marks started to show their ugly face. Really, I shouldn't complain, because they're small and there are few, but still, they're not pretty. Mr. H says they're not ugly, but I think he's just trying to make me feel better about them. I don't imagine them getting much bigger or darker in the next week so that's a good thing. However, I swear this child is trying to bust his way out through my belly button. The pressure is insane!

Most days I feel fine, but days like today I feel miserable and can't get comfortable. I feel like my stomach is in my chest and I can't breathe, which makes me rather cranky. Mister has also learned a new trick this week- kicking me under my ribs on the right side. Yes, I'm complaining but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've looked forward to getting here for so long and my discomfort won't last much longer, then I'm sure I'll miss it.

I got my "thank you" notes from the baby shower out into the mail yesterday...finally. I also got a haircut yesterday and I feel so much lighter. It got to the point that even in a ponytail, my hair was too long. I think she cut off about 4-5 inches. Now if I could just reach my toes to get them painted...

6 More Days People! Ahhhhh!

Another Birthday and An Overnight Hospital Stay

2011-08-18T17:08:00.004-05:00

Sunday was this blogs 4 year anniversary. But I always forget about this because the very next day is Baby Sam's birthday. Only this year he would have been 5 years old, and no longer a baby.

Mr. H and I were pondering what we'd be doing, and what our lives would be like had he survived, and this year, he would have been going to Kindergarten. We would be going to Target to pick out a lunch box and crayons and a dinosaur t-shirt to wear on the first day. And it's just not like that.

I was okay for most of the day, then we went out to the cemetery that evening to visit his grave. We cleaned his and Jack's headstones, only I didn't contribute much. My belly was hurting and it was bothering me to bend over. So we sang to him and took him a tractor toy and then I lost it. I was distracted for most of the day, because I've never been pregnant on either of their birthdays, with the exception of this year. It was different in February for Jack's birthday though, because I still wasn't sure this baby would make it. Now I'm 35 weeks pregnant and it's very real.

I'm so grateful to be carrying this baby, but I can't help but think that Sam and Jack should be here. I never thought I'd be pregnant for the third time. It's just a lot to process sometimes.

All that being said, I intended to write about Sam's birthday on Tuesday, then my doctor put me back in the hospital. The protein levels in my urine went way up and she worried that my liver and kidneys weren't functioning correctly so in I went. I was only there for a little over 24 hours. I did yet another (the 6th to date) 24-hour urine collection and they monitored my BP. It went as high as 140/90 then regulated back down to a normal range. A couple weeks ago, the protein count in my urine was 560, last week it was 430 and then yesterday it was down to 304! What?! I don't know how it keeps going down, because that rarely ever happens, but I'm grateful for it.

My doctor also scheduled my c-section. She says she doesn't let patients with pre-eclampsia go past 37 weeks, so she set the date for August 31st. But the OR was booked that day, so it was moved to September 1st, which I like much better because I want this baby to have his own birth month. Now we just have to cross our fingers and hope that he continues to bake until then.

We put the crib together and washed the bedding. We washed his laundry from 0-6 months and packed his drawers and closet. The nursery isn't quite ready yet, but we are pretty much there and we have mostly everything we need for his arrival. He'll be here in 2 weeks or less! Not sure how much he'll weigh, but as of Tuesday, according to his measurements he was 5 lbs. 11 oz. Holy cow!

At Home, Still On Bedrest

2011-08-03T14:23:00.003-05:00

Well I'm home!

I still have to stay on bedrest, but I can do it from the comfort of my own bed and couch versus being in the hospital. And I've done this before when I was pregnant with Jack. At least I know what to expect. The nurses at the hospital were truly wonderful and caring, but it's hard being strapped to a monitor 18 hours a day and trying to rest all while they're coming in every 2 hours to take my blood pressure and temperature.

So far I've completed 3 24-hour urine tests. They've all come back the same, with my levels being in the 500's. The range is from 300 (pre-eclamptic) to 5000 (severe). My levels are still pretty low and they haven't increased over the past week and that is why I got to go home. That and because my blood pressure was regulated and normal as long as I was doing absolutely nothing. When I first got there, Friday afternoon, they were checking my BP every 27 minutes, then it was every 2 hours. Just getting up to go to the bathroom or showering made my BP rise, so I have been given strict orders to do absolutely nothing.

That is hard for me. I'm a somewhat lazy person by nature, but I like the freedom of doing what I want when I want and I just can't right now. It's not like I'm wanting to go shopping or partying or painting the nursery, I just want to sweep the kitchen floor and blow dry my hair while standing up without feeling overwhelmed. I want to make breakfast, not give orders from the couch on how to preheat the pan without overbrowning the butter. Ya know? It's only been a few days and I know I'll be okay. It's just frustrating because I feel like I've done my very best to have a safe and full term pregnancy and every little thing that can happen has, whether it be bleeding at 6 weeks, a wonky 1st screen and trisomy scare, or needing additional testing for gestational diabetes to this. I swear I didn't do anything different or wrong, it just happens and it's stressful.

I know I'm so lucky to be where I am in this pregnancy and I know that things could be so much worse. So I don't want it to seem like I'm complaining about the little things. I just worry about my little man and hope he's okay. And I know that even if he is born early and has to go stay in the NICU, that that will be the best and safest place for him out of the womb. And I've accepted that my belly may eventually not be the safest place for him to be either, even though that's a difficult one to comprehend. I just want him to stay in there a little longer and continue to grow.

I'm 33 weeks today and went to the doctor yesterday for another checkup. My weight is back down to where it was last week, minus a couple pounds. My BP was slightly elevated but that was after walking from the car to the exam room and it wasn't any higher than last week. The protein levels in my urine have stayed the same, which baffles my doctor. She says that they almost always increase from day to day and mine haven't. I'll have to do a 24-hour urine collection again on Thursday to take back on Friday for analysis. I'll also have to see the doctor twice weekly, rather than just once a week. So from now on until I deliver, I'll be going to the doctor on Tuesday and Fridays. And I'll be getting u/s with each visit to make sure that the little guy is still growing and that his blood flow is as it should be.

As of yesterday, he was just perfect. We were also able to see his face a little more clearly because it seems he always has his hands over his face. He clearly has my nose and lips :-)

I'll keep up all updated as I know something more. My doctor thinks I'll still deliver early, but perhaps we'll make it past the 34 week mark. Which is a good thing, because that's only one week away! I'm not quite ready for him to make his appearance yet. I'd be thrilled to make it to 36 weeks. Cross your fingers for me!

And as always, thank youfor being here for me. I appreciate your comments, emails, prayers and concern. They mean so much to me and help me get through another day.

~Monica

In The Hospital, On Bedrest

2011-07-30T18:56:00.009-05:00

On Wednesday, I went to my regular OB visit. I had an ultrasound done where we got to see the Mister hide his face with his fist. When prodded, he only raised the other arm in defiance. He did not want his picture taken :-)

I then proceeded to get another (weekly) P-17 injection (to prevent preterm labor) and dropped off a urine sample. My urine contained protein in it so my doctor sent me home with a couple of jugs to collect my urine for 24 hours. On Thursday, I returned my sample to the lab where they also drew blood.

On Friday, I returned back to the doctor for a follow up visit and to check on my blood pressure. My doctor was worried that because of the protein levels in my urine that it could lead to pre-eclampsia. So checking on my BP was just a precaution. A couple of days before it was 120/80 so I wasn't the least bit concerned. Apparently my doctor knows what she's talking about because when I went in for the follow up visit, my blood pressure was up to 140/93, my urine still contained elevated levels of protein and I had gained 8 pounds in a matter of 2 days- that's insane! I haven't been swollen or puffy in the least so I don't know where all the hidden weight is.

Immediately my doctor made me go home and pack my bags and sent me to L&D. Usually Mr. H goes with me to all my appointments but on Friday morning he had taken his Dad to a Senior Retreat at the YMCA- something they do every Friday. I tried calling him but couldn't get a hold of him. I ended up leaving a message on his phone in which I was sobbing uncontrollably, so I sent him a text as well. At the time of my message, he was swimming with his Dad but once he got it he came rushing to me immediately and met me at the hospital for check-in. He's been by my side as well as my family and friends.

I got here yesterday at 1pm. They've taken my blood a couple times, put in a locked IV, are currently running another 24-urine culture, taken my temp, checked my blood pressure and are constantly monitoring Mister's heart rate and activity. He is doing great! It's me they're worried about. At the u/s on Wednesday he was measuring at 4 lbs. 1 oz. which I thought was just fabulous. However, now that I know he will be born early, I worry that he's too small to enter this world. My doctor suspects he'll be born around 34 weeks gestation, which is a week and a half away! Until then, I will remain on bedrest until further notice. There is no set date on which he will be here, we'll just continue to take it day by day and if he starts to go in distress, then he'll be delivered.

I've heard many success stories about babies being born at this gestation. I know having the steroid injections to strengthen his lungs is a plus and being here in this safe place is the best thing for us. It just hurts my heart to know that he'll have to spend time in the NICU. I don't worry for myself, I worry for him. I just feel like my body has failed my children again. This is not the birth story I dreamt of, but I suppose what matters most is that he's healthy, viable, safe, thriving and ALIVE. Nothing else really matters, nor does it ever go the way we plan them.

Please know that I'm not complaining, I'm just worried and I feel unprepared for all of this. Our induction date wasn't scheduled until September 14th at 11:45am and in a matter of moments the tables have turned and I'm feeling a little anxious. I thank God everyday for this miracle baby and I know how lucky and blessed I am (we are) to even have made it this far in the pregnancy. Right now all I can do is trust that "this is exactly where we are meant to be" even if I don't understand or like it.

Thank you for reading and for being here for me,

~Monica

Wordless Wednesday- On The List

2011-07-20T23:34:00.002-05:00

Baby Shower

2011-07-14T14:35:00.005-05:00

We had a baby shower this past Saturday. I've been too tired to write about it til now, and all my free time has been spent with family that's been in town, so I'm just now getting to it. It was a wonderful day though, and we were thoroughly blessed by our family and friends with gifts and treasures for our little guy. It was a day we waited for for a long time. It was one of those occasions that you hope will one day exist in your life, but that's all it is- a hope and a dream. But this past weekend it happened and it was very surreal.

The shower was hosted by my mother and my mother-in-law and took place at my in-laws house since they have a great room, with lots of space and great light.

Here is the buffet table. Everything was homemade with the exception of the chocolate cake. The menu consisted of stuff I had cravings for. My MIL made sausage balls and fresh pineapple kabobs, ham and asparagus roll-ups filled with Boursin cheese, limeade punch, and home grown salted and toasted pecans. My mom made deviled eggs, fresh strawberries with romanoff sauce, the veggie tray with Ranch dressing and provided the mints. I made a vanilla bean Bundt cake as well as mini cheesecakes. Some were plain with lemon curd and berries and the others were cookies and cream.

You can click on the picture above to make it larger, but I also painted some wooden frames and put copies of sonogram pictures of "Mister" in them, from the gestational age 10 weeks til 28 weeks. He's grown quite a bit since then!

The flowers on the buffet table were arranged by my MIL's neighbor and the pennant banner was purchased from Hobby Lobby.

This is the best cake EVER! It was purchased from a local bakery and is the family cake of choice- Chocolate Italian Cream. It's a moist chocolate cake filled with pecans and coconut and iced with chocolate cream cheese frosting. It's just heavenly. I made the vanilla Bundt above because there were people there with allergies and I wanted them to be able to eat cake too.

I found these adorable napkins at a local hardware store. I thought they were so stinkin' cute and loved that they stood up on their own as table decorations.

Here's another project that kept me busy for the shower. I wrapped Hershey miniatures in strips of coordinating scrapbook paper and secured them with a piece of Scotch tape.

We opened all the generous and thoughtful gifts, then Autumn played in the middle of all the tissue paper. Of course, this was all after she slept in the middle of the room snoring, and after she begged a few people for cubes of cheese :-)

We played a few shower games:

Never Say Baby- Everyone got a clothespin to wear. If someone said "baby", they got to take your pin away. At the end of the shower the person with the most pins won. My sister played mute and won that game. She had about 7 pins toward the end of the shower.

Guess the Baby Food- Attendants were able to smell and look at baby food jars and pass them around the room, trying to guess the mystery ingredient. Only one person guessed all 5 jars correctly. My grandpa said the chicken jar smelled like "burnt tires". ha!

Baby Songs- Guests had to list as many songs as they could within 5 minutes that contained the name "baby" in title.

Baby Word Scramble- There were 24 common baby words that were scrambled up and the the guests had 5 minutes to unscramble them. Some of the words were "poopy diapers" and "bassinet" but were spelled "oyopp sperdia" and "nestasib".

How Many?- We passed a glass baby bottle filled with colorful jelly beans. People had to guess how many jelly beans were in the bottle. The person closest without going over won a prize.

Mr. H, baby and I posing next to some gorgeous orange roses my friend brought by. At this point I was 29 weeks, 3 days.

To say "thank you" I made powdered sugar covered pecan butter balls for favors. I wrapped them up in blue craft bags and put custom labels on them and a pretty blue ribbon. I had big plans for decorated elephant sugar cookies, but at the last minute a friend of mine wasn't able to make them. Which turned out to be okay, because these were melt-in-your-mouth delicious.

All in all, it was a wonderful day!

2011-07-01T11:15:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, I celebrated a birthday and "Mister" turned 28 weeks! My belly looks huge in this picture, but that only means he's growing. According to his measurements, he's in the 55th percentile for growth and weighs about 2 lbs. 11 oz.

I also had my glucose test done this week and the doctor just called to tell me that I failed it. I'm not sure how they come up with their numbers but she said I scored a 137 and my doctor's cut off number is 134. So now I have to do the 3-hour glucose test on Wednesday. I was told to bring something to do because "there's no sleeping" in the waiting room and I have to stay there the entire time. Anyone want to play "Words With Friends" with me to keep me entertained for 3 hours? Anyone? I have a feeling this experience is going to be like the 13-week scan. A big scare and fuss, then it will turn out to be fine. I'm hoping anyway.

For my birthday, I went to the doctor for a couple hours, saw my beautiful baby boy, then we went to lunch where it turned out to be free! Then went to Anthropologie for window shopping. I've never been in there before but I left wanting one of everything. Then I went to Macy's to use a birthday coupon, that I couldn't use because my purchase didn't qualify but I bought myself a dress. Y'all I haven't worn a dress since I got married in 2005! Crazy right? I have a couple options, but I might wear that to my baby shower next Saturday. Holy crap, that's only 8 days away!

Later on for dinner, we went to Cheesecake Factory with my in-laws, Mr. H and my siblings. My mom couldn't make it because she was sick but we had a good time. They seriously have the best orange chicken ever. And the pina colada cheesecake wasn't too bad either. By bedtime, I was exhausted. Mr. H came to my side of the bed for "snuggies" wrapped his arm around my belly and felt baby kick for the first time. He only kicked once then we all fell asleep. It was the perfect end to a perfect day.

Cribs, Changing Tables, Baby Shower Invites and My Boobs :-)

2011-06-22T20:06:00.009-05:00

Before I write about what I was going to write about, I have to bad mouth Blogger for a minute. They're ticking me off! I just wrote this whole post hit publish then it told me to sign in. Uh hello, how did I manage to get to this page if I wasn't already signed in? When I tried to sign in (AGAIN!) it took me to another page and deleted my entire entry! For the last couple weeks, every time I go to sign it, it kicks me back out and won't let me comment on some blogs. When I try to sign in and go to that blog, it signs me back out. Ugh! Blogger if you're reading this, you're pissing me off!

_______________________________________

I am at 27 weeks today! I went to the doctor and got another shot. My next real appointment will be next Wednesday when I have another ultrasound, get another shot and also do my glucose test. I've heard that's not so fun. I'm pretty sure I'll do some complaining but I'll survive. Next Wednesday the 29th is also my birthday. I see Cheesecake Factory in my future. woo hoo!

This is the crib we purchased. We ordered it over the weekend and it came in today! I've always wanted a navy crib and they're just not very common. Maybe that's why I like them. I found two of them, one from Stanley furniture that costs about $1200 and this one from Baby Mod available through Wal-Mart for $250. It was actually on sale for $199 so we jumped on it. It shipped for less than $10 and was here in 3 days. It's made entirely of New Zealand pine and looks to be a quality product. We're not ready to assemble it yet but we opened it to inspect it and it's in great condition. The picture looks likes it's black, but it's really a dark navy. I just love it.

Our changing table on the other hand still isn't here. We went to pick it up on Thursday and one of the joints was filled with excess glue. We pointed it out to the pick-up guy and he attempted to clean it up but it didn't really work. In fact he sprayed some aerosol stuff on it and began to wipe it up and it started to remove the stain from the side of the chest. the rag he was using was colored brown, so not only did he not fix it, but he made it worse. They're ordering yet another one for us, but they're out of stock in their warehouse until the first of the month so we shall wait. Hopefully the third one is the charm!

We sent out baby shower invites on Friday. My mom ordered them through Vista Print and picked out the jungle safari theme. I was wanting something simpler and more elephant based but I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't love the one she picked out. Instead I just selected the one I would have chosen for myself and we ordered both. That made us both happy!

A couple years ago I bought a punch from Martha Stewart crafts of an elephant. I totally forgot about it until a few weeks ago. I used it to punch out colored confetti to stuff into the envelopes. I think they're just so cute.

That's enough of the fun stuff. Last week when I went to the doctor, I told her about some pain that I was having in my left breast. It's been hurting now for a couple weeks, but it comes and goes, it's not constant. It's on the left side and underneath my areola and it feels like an intense burning sensation. She felt around and said I had dense, fibro cystic breasts and sent me to the breast imaging center for an ultrasound.

I went the very next day for an u/s. The sonographer said everything was "beautiful" and that she didn't see anything to be concerned about. The radiologist came in to speak with us and to do a scan of his own, but didn't find or see anything either. He said if it continued to hurt then I could come back later for another u/s or I could wait til after I gave birth and and they could have a mammogram, but he didn't think it was necessary. I thought maybe it was a milk duct or something similar that was giving me problems but they told me to ask my OB about that. I asked her about it today and she said that everything looked normal and that it was probably just hormones. Which doesn't exactly explain why I'm having pain, but the nurse said that burning sensations usually mean that it's nerve related. For now, it goes diagnosed but a couple days after my appt. I got a letter from the breast imaging center that said "We're happy to inform you that you do not have cancer". That was the least of my concerns, but I'm glad to know it!

Randomness at 25 Weeks

2011-06-10T22:30:00.006-05:00

It seems these days that when someone asks how I am doing, I assume they're referring to the baby and the pregnancy. They usually are, so I'm conditioned to answer the same every time, with "we're doing fine". And we are. My cervix is still closed, baby is growing well and weighs just over 1 1/2 lbs. and I have no complaints. Life is good.

I went to the doctor this past Wednesday. I got another P17 injection. 8 down, 12 more to go! I talked to the doctor about induction dates. She said she usually does c-sections at 39 weeks, unless there are complications prior to that date or if I go into labor on my own before then. So "Mister" will be born on or around September 14. That's only 3 months away, but it seems so far away.

My friend, Lori, asked me the other day about photographing the birth. I'm up for that! I think it's a great idea and I'd love to have the photos to look at later on in life, especially if this is the only baby we ever have. I asked the doctor about her being in the OR with us when I have the c-section and she said she had no problem with it. She has to get the okay from the anesthesiologists that will be there, but she said she'd do her best to make it happen. Isn't that the coolest? I'm psyched about it!

On another note, we purchased a dresser/changing table a couple weeks ago. I didn't want a standard changing table because I think they're cheaply made but expensive and what do you do with them after you're done changing diapers? We wanted a dresser made of real wood, with full extension hardware that was about 36-38" high. We found a couple but they were all too long and since we're converting our guest room into the nursery, wall space is limited. The wall we're putting it on is only 46" inches wide. The dresser we ordered is 38"H x 44"W x 20" D.

I tried scouring Craigslist for a dresser I could repaint but they were either junky or if they were made of real wood, people were asking a fortune for them. We ended up finding a piece from Star Furniture made by Aspen Furniture. It's actually a media chest, but I thought the two open slots on the top would be perfect storage for diapers and wipes. Then when we're done using it as a changing table, it can be used as a TV stand/dresser when he's older. And it's a quality, sturdy, well built piece that will last for several years. Unfortunately when Mr. H went to pick it up yesterday, it was scratched and scuffed so they're ordering us another one. It's a good thing we don't need it for a few more months.

On another note, I'm going to a Scentsy party tomorrow. Ever heard of them? I have not, but from what I've heard they're like wickless candles that are melted over a heating unit. Kind of like Yankee tarts, but with Scentsy there is no flame because you plug in a cord and as the light bulb heats up, it melts the scented wax. Here's a link if you want to learn more about them. http://scentsy.net/ They seem kind of cool. I might just come home with one tomorrow :-)

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I'm off to go soak in the tub and shave my legs!

Viability

2011-06-02T22:12:00.003-05:00

I reached viability (24 weeks) yesterday! woo hoo!

I had another anatomy scan and they got the rest of the measurements they needed. Baby boy was breech and facing my back and didn't change positions the entire time, so we didn't get any profile or 3D pics of him. He did however kick the heck out of my cervix while we were there, but that's nothing new. He can kick all he wants as long as he stays in there til September.

According to his measurements he weighs 1 lb. 7oz. That's just amazing to me. I know he's still tiny, but compared to Sam and Jack, he's huge!

22 Week Update

2011-05-18T18:55:00.005-05:00

I'm 22 weeks today! I went to my OB and thought I was getting an ultrasound today. I was hoping to get to see the little one since it's been a couple weeks, but I didn't have one scheduled. I thought I did, but there was something about the insurance not wanting to pay for ultrasounds unless they were 3-4 weeks apart, so I'll have to wait another couple weeks to see him. That kind of bummed me out but at least I know he's okay.

My doctor listened for a heartbeat but all she heard was swishing noises since he was doing somersaults in my belly. She measured my uterus and said it was much higher than she expected- it was measuring almost 24 weeks. Part of the reason she couldn't find a heartbeat was because she was listening too low and he was reaching for my ribs. So I did get an ultrasound after all, but it was very grainy and I couldn't see anything on it. She saw a heartbeat and that's all that matters, right?

I got my fifth P-17 shot today. The last couple that I got, the nurse pushed the formula into me so quickly that it formed knots in my hips and they've been itching and bothering me for about 2 weeks. This time a different nurse did the injection and she made sure to do it super slow, so hopefully I won't have any problems this time around.

I have a little baby bulge, which is kind of exciting, but I still feel fat. Mr. H says, "You're not fat, you're with child" which cracks me up. Truth is, I am both. I'm just waiting for that nice round baby bump :-) I've had to buy a few maternity items because things aren't fitting very well. A friend gave me a couple pairs of jeans but they're so low I feel like my butt is hanging out. ha! And the band on them puts pressure on my belly, so I got a couple pairs of pants and a pair of shorts from Target. I also got a couple shirts but the selection was very limited. I am still mostly wearing non-maternity clothes but the jeans are getting tight and the tops not fitting so well- either not long enough or tight around the bust.

We've been buying baby clothes though. That is fun. Mr. H is out of control though- he needs to go to shoppers anonymous. I know he's just excited but there's going to be nothing to buy once the baby shower comes along :-) My mom has gotten together with my MIL and they're planning a baby shower for us in July. We haven't registered anywhere but we've narrowed down which car seat, stroller and crib we want. I know these things are expensive, but why would anyone spend $500 on a stroller? It's insane! Picturing our little one using and wearing these things is exciting though. I can't wait til he gets here. Well, actually I can wait, he needs to bake a little while longer. Bake, baby, bake!

Titled "Powerless"

2011-05-17T01:35:00.002-05:00

I just saw this on PostSecret and it broke my heart.

Why would someone do that?

Spoke Too Soon

2011-05-09T23:24:00.003-05:00

Here he is! He's such a cutie, but I may be biased since I helped make him :-)

I wrote just a few days ago that I was waiting to feel him kick, then on Saturday during lunch with my mother I felt it! Actually, I didn't know what it was at first because it was such a strange sensation. Everyone kept saying it felt like gas bubbles or flutters, but I didn't get that at all. He was kicking my cervix and it just felt weird. I thought something could be wrong so I went to the bathroom to check things out. Everything was fine. Then it happened again later that day, only much more intense. It literally felt like he was poking me from the inside out. And like Sophie commented a couple days ago, the same was true for her. She also said it felt like a twitch and it did! He kicked a few more times on Sunday as well but not as intense as the day before.

Such an awesome Mother's Day gift!

20th Week Update

2011-05-07T01:00:00.002-05:00

I reached 20 weeks this past Wednesday! It's one of the goals I've been looking forward to this pregnancy. Next goal- viability at 24 weeks. Bring it on!

Everytime I talk to my grandma on the phone she wants to know if I'm "showing" yet. So I told her at 20 weeks I'd start taking a picture of myself to email her. Actually, she doesn't do email but my aunt can print out a pic for her. Anyway, I don't generally do full body shots, or profile shots for that matter (ha ha!) but there's something special growing in there, so I'll get over it. At one point, while Mr. H was taking this picture I asked if I should "suck it in" ha! I have a little pooch, but mostly just looks like my fat is sticking out further than it already does. For the record, I tried to suck it in, and nothing happened. :-)

I'm down about 17 pounds this pregnancy. That's right, 17 pounds lost, not gained since December. And of those 17 pounds, I've lost 11 pounds since I had surgery March 5th. I think part of it is that the surgery took a lot out of me and I just didn't have much of an appetite, though I didn't ever have "morning sickness", so I can't blame that. And the other part is that I'm already overweight, therefore haven't gained anything. The last few weeks my weight has remained the same, nothing lost, nothing gained. I'm sure that will change as I get further along though.

At last weeks appointment I got my third P-17 shot. After the first one, I had a strange odor down there, and felt a little dizzy for a few days after the injection. I asked the doctor about it and she said they didn't seem like typical side effects. I was fully expecting to have it happen again after the last two injections and it didn't. The first injection wasn't painful but it was sore for several hours afterwards. The last two didn't hurt at all and I didn't feel anything afterwards either. Maybe it was just the initial onset of extra progesterone??? Either way, they are working. Hooray!

I haven't felt the baby kicking yet and I've been really looking forward to it. I have appointments and sonograms every two weeks, so I know it's okay and growing, but to feel movement would be an extra reassurance that he's still alive and well. My placenta is right up front though and acting as a barrier between the baby and my belly. It's kind of like a pillow of padding around my belly so the kicks are muffled. I've been laying on my back and on my side, poking and prodding him to wake up and move for momma, but so far nothing. The sonographer and the doctor both said it could take up until the 24 week mark to feel anything.

I had an anatomy scan at the perinatologists office this week. Baby was folded in half, with it's feet on it's head and was sleeping the entire time. It made it difficult for them to get the measurements they needed so they just did arm/length measurements as well as checked the brain and heart. All was on track for 20 weeks gestation and the baby is weighing approximately 12 ounces. We didn't see any genitalia this week, but we did see a little something at our appointment last week. IT'S A BOY!!!

I haven't shared any ultrasound pics yet because I wasn't sure if it would upset anyone to see them. But if you want to see him (or don't) please let me know in the comment section. We got a cute 3D picture of him the other day, with a tiny button nose. He's obviously still itty bitty, but cute nonetheless.

Hope you all have a Happy Mother's Day!

My Trans Abdominal Cerclage (TAC) Experience

2011-04-24T01:00:00.005-05:00

This is way overdue, but I felt it was still necessary to write. I wanted to share with you all as well as anyone else who may be getting an abdominal cerclage in the future, my TAC story in detail.

A Trans-Abdominal Cerclage is a cerclage or band they tie around your cervix to keep it shut. I have an incompetent cervix (IC) that caused me to go into labor at 17 weeks with my first pregnancy. The weight of the baby was too much for my weak cervix to bear, so it started to funnel, then dilate. I then started having contractions and my son was born. On the second pregnancy, we had a vaginal cerclage to keep the baby in and my cervix shut. The doctor went in vaginally to place the cerclage through my cervix, like a purse string stitch. This works for a lot of women, but it didn't work for me. The weight of the baby was again too much for my cervix to hold and it began to dilate. Only this time, my water didn't break, the amniotic sac began to bulge out of my cervix and I went into labor, delivering my second son at 16w4d. The reason this didn't work for me was because doctors can only place the cerclage so high on your cervix, when they place it vaginally. It wasn't high/tight enough on my cervix to make any difference for me. The cerclage stayed in place and didn't rip through my cervix, it just slowed labor down a bit.

The TAC is different because they go through your abdomen (surgically) to tie the cerclage right at the top of your cervix. The material they use is so strong, that an 8-inch piece can support an adults entire body weight, so holding up a uterus with a growing baby doesn't even compare. Placing the stitch that high also means that the cervix is no longer a factor and won't/can't open. It's a permanent stitch and stays in place forever. When a woman is pregnant her cervix thickens and swells, so the cerclage is nice and tight- nothing is getting through it. But when a woman goes into labor or is no longer pregnant, the cervix goes back to normal size and there is a slight opening in the cervix. This opening is enough to pass menstrual blood as well as lets semen through if you want to get pregnant again. Because there is only an opening for fluids to pass through, all births are delivered via cesarean.

Now I live in Texas, but we flew to New Jersey to get the TAC done by Dr. George Davis, because he's an expert at it. There are of course about 100 doctors all over the US that have done a TAC at least once, but I didn't want to be an experimental case. I found Dr. Davis through my friends Becky and Jessica who had a TAC done by him several months prior. They both had success stories, so that brought me hope. Also when I googled "TAC doctors" his name kept popping up. There's also another doctor in Chicago- Dr. Haney, that does them quite often and successfully, but once I spoke to Dr. Davis on the phone, I knew he was the one.

Dr. Davis and I.

I nervously called Dr. Davis and left him a message. Within 5 minutes, he called me back and we spoke for over an hour on the phone. He answered all of my questions and I never felt rushed or like I was being a bother. He wanted to help us bring a baby into this world. We communicated by phone and email, sometimes up to 10pm at night. I asked about him and he said he's been doing TAC's for over 24 years! I don't understand why this procedure isn't further practiced or why it's so rare if he's been doing it for so long. I think most doctors are scared to do it, honestly. I mean, who wants to cut open a pregnant woman's abdomen?

We spoke several times on the phone and almost immediately he was ready to schedule a surgery date. That was scary for me, but it needed to be done. He tried to verify insurance benefits but my crappy insurance decided they weren't going to pay for it. So he offered to do the procedure at cost and only charged us the bare minimum- $600 for the anesthesiologist, $550 for the doctor, and $2750 per night for the hospital fee. There were no medication fees, operating room fees, etc. Although we were billed for the total amount after we got home (for over $13,000) Dr. Davis rectified that for us. We were supposed to pay the amount in full the day of the procedure, but they didn't accept AmEx so they billed us. While there in NJ, we paid the anesthesiologist and doctor fees in full.

My surgery date was scheduled for Friday morning at 7:30am. The night we arrived we went to Dr. Davis' office in Camden, NJ to fill out paperwork, check my weight, height, blood pressure, and to do an ultrasound of the baby. We were given the directions to Kennedy Hospital in Blackwood, NJ and to our hotel in the neighboring town of Turnersville. I was told to have a nice dinner but not to take any meds, eat or drink anything past midnight. And to be at the hospital the next morning at promptly 4:45am- no earlier. No problem.

The morning of the surgery, I showered and got ready to head to the hospital. Part of the reason we had to get there so early was to pay the bill, but since we had issues there, we went straight on into the day surgery waiting room. I filled out more paperwork there, then they called me back to the prep area, while Mr. H waited to be called back with me. When I was called back, I was met with a few different nurses. They checked my blood pressure, had me change into a gown and non skid socks, take off my clothing, any jewelery (wasn't wearing any) and take out all my piercings (only my ears, you pervs :-P). Another person came in to take a couple vials of blood, asked me a ton more questions, then put in an IV in my hand. Generally, I don't have issues with needles or getting IV's, but it REALLY hurt and started to swell. The maternity ward nurse thinks the person who administered the IV, went all the way through my vein, then back in where it should have gone, which is why it bruised and hurt so much. That could explain all the puffiness. After all that was done (30 minutes) Mr. h came back in to see me. He was with me no longer than 5 minutes, we hugged, cried a little bit, he gathered my belongings and then they walked me back to the OR with a metallic hair cap on. Classy.

The OR was freezing! I was asked to sit on the end of the bed and bend over so they could give me a spinal to numb my lower half. That stings a little, but I was more concerned with my butt crack flashing the anesthesiologist. Once that was done, I laid back and "relaxed" on the table. They strapped a BP cuff to my right arm which squeezed the bejeesus out of my arm and left me with broken capillaries, that looked like stretchmarks. I was awake during the surgery so they kept testing different parts of my body to make sure I was fully numb. Once I was, Dr. Davis came in, he and a nurse inserted a catheter and they cleaned off my abdomen and belly with orange gook. By this point, my gown was pulled all the way up and just covering my boobs, while the rest of my body was exposed. To say I felt quite vulnerable was an understatement. From my rib cage down, it was numb, heavy feeling and warm. From my boobs up, I was freezing. They put this air flow thing on my arms and across my chest which pumps warm air through them to keep me warm. It worked some, but my hands were still freezing and it kept expanding and popping up in my face. I wasn't bothered by it but the nurses kept trying to tape it down, which didn't work.

Anyway, I'm laying there, Dr. Davis shaves the top part of my pubic area, just enough to clear the way. I couldn't really feel or see anything but I could hear what was going on. Once all that was done, he began to determine where he was going to make his cut. He started to cut through my skin, then the fat, then down to the muscles. He said he doesn't "cut" through the muscle, he said once he gets down to that part, he separates it and moves it out of the way. Since I couldn't exactly watch, I'm not sure how all that was done, but I take his word for it. I didn't feel pain, but there was pressure and movement and you could sense that something was happening down there. As he was cutting through the nerves I kept getting weird pulsing sensations up in my rib area. I don't know how else to describe it, but it's kind of like hitting just below your knee and your reflexes pop your leg up. It was strange, because I didn't expect to feel anything. That happened for a few minutes then stopped. Once he was all the way through to the spot he needed to be, the curtain went up and I couldn't see anything but blue paper.

Both Jessica and Becky warned me about the intense feeling of pressure. And, I suppose, if you've had a c-section before, then you know that same sensation. He pushed my bladder, intestines, the uterus, etc, whatever was in the way out of the way. Except that it felt like he was fisting me and shoving my insides up inside my chest. I felt like he was stuffing a turkey, and I was the poor bird. That, to me, hurt. They tried to convince me that it was not pain that I felt, but just pressure, but I beg to differ. It hurt, to the point that I started to cry from the intensity of it all. I began to sob uncontrollably, so they gave me pain meds through my IV. Each dose only lasted about 10 minutes, so they gave me a few doses of that. Side effect from the pain meds- itchy face. All I wanted to do was scratch. At one point, all one nurse did was sit by my head and rubbed where I asked her to. She stroked my hair and tried to keep me calm and breathing, through the hysteria. Just when the pain subsided and I got a reprieve from the pain, it started back up. I can't blame him though, because he was doing what he needed to do.

I'm now to the point where he starts stitching me up. Again, I couldn't see or really feel completely what he was doing but I could feel the tension and he tugged on the string to tighten it as he sewed along each layer. Almost like I could picture what he was doing in my mind, but was blind to it all. Strange. When it came to putting my skin back together, he used staples. My belly looked like Frankenstein. Towards the end of the procedure, which lasted an entire 2 hours from start to finish, my spinal began to wear off and I could move my feet. I felt tingling in my legs too, which freaked me out because I just wanted him to be done. When he was done, he placed an adhesive over the staples, then he and another nurse wrapped this tight elastic band around my waist. It was kind of like an ace bandage, but huge and it stuck together with velcro. It helped apply pressure so things didn't jiggle around. I wore that while in the hospital, during recovery at the hotel and for about another week once I returned home.

They wheeled me to recovery, where I was for about an hour. In between sleeping and itching my face, they gave me meds to manage my pain- the same meds they gave me in the OR through my IV. Since it didn't last very long, they kept giving it to me every 15 minutes. Then I started to feel pain and they wouldn't give me any more since they were going to wheel me up to my room. They said the nurse up on the maternity floor would give me something. I waited for about 20 minutes in pain, then went to my room, where I waited another 20 for a nurse to come in and give me something. I was pissed. Mostly because I was out of it, and exhausted and hungry and wanted to see Mr. H. The whole time I was in surgery, he checked us out of the hotel, he ate breakfast then was waiting for me in the waiting room. At some point, I think Dr. Davis met up with him to let him know how everything went.

I was now in my permanent room in the maternity ward. Mr. H stayed with me there at the hospital on the pull out chair. It was tight and cramped, but it worked. I remember sleeping quite a bit, in between the nurses coming in and out to check my temperature and blood pressure. I got pain meds every 2-4 hours as needed. Since our insurance wasn't going to pay for the procedure or the stay in the hospital, we were only going to stay one night. I was in the hospital for a full 36 hours which the doctor thought was plenty of time. I ate a full dinner that evening and my doctor was irritated by that. He came in to visit me after I was done polishing off my entire plate of bruschetta chicken, orzo and orange cake. My nurses were supposed to put me on a liquid diet so I didn't over develop gas, but they didn't. Their fault, not mine, but I'm the one who paid for it in the end. I was majorly bloated and couldn't relieve myself. I was popping gas meds every few hours, but they didn't seem to help. The gas pain was intense- it caused a big portion of my pain and discomfort. Don't dismiss the gas pain- it's real. By nighttime, on day 1, I was walking. It felt like each leg weighed a thousand pounds, but I walked from my bed to the door and back- about 20 feet. I was encouraged and praised by my nurses with each step. I did this a couple times that night, just because I wanted to progress and I knew it would help in my healing. It was tough. Believe it or not, the walking helped with the bloating in my stomach.

By the next morning on day 2, I wanted the catheter out! It was irritating me and it still felt like I had to pee even when I didn't. I'd like to say once it came out, I felt relief, but I didn't. From then on, I had to get up out of bed and walk myself to the bathroom to urinate. That was quite frequently since I was still hooked up to the IV. Later that morning I was disconnected from everything. I ate breakfast, walked a little more, this time down the hallway and back with Mr. H. A nurse came in to remove the adhesive bandage and I showered. That was interesting because the bathroom stall was tiny and I was afraid of standing. The nurse brought me a chair to sit on but it hurt to sit so I didn't use it. The water hitting my belly stung a little bit, I washed from my hair down to my waist then Mr. H did the rest for me. I couldn't bend or twist without pain. It felt good to be clean, despite the discomfort.

Nurse Betty and I.

Later that afternoon, we were wheeled up to see Dr. Davis, by my nurse Betty- she was wonderful! He performed a vaginal ultrasound where we were able to see the cerclage and the baby. I wasn't smiling and happy and giddy as Dr. Davis thought I should have been, but I was. He said "it's okay to smile" so I did. But I was focused on what I was seeing. You see, all this time, I haven't been worried about the baby, I've been concerned with what my body is doing and wondering if it's performing as it should. I worry about the cerclage failing, or my cervix funnelling, not the baby. I know the baby is okay, it's me that screwed up. We got ultrasound pics and discovered that all was well, then went to chat with Dr. Davis in his office. All I can say, is the man is quirky and funny and has a major obsession with Diet Coke, but he is brilliant and when it comes to babies and the female body, he is serious and he means business. Perfect combination if you ask me.

Shortly after that, we were released from the hospital and drove to a nearby town to stay at a Summerfield Suites in Mount Laurel, NJ. We chose that place because they had a separate bedroom from the living room, as well as a kitchen. When we checked in, Mr. H requested a handicap-accessible room, which was helpful because the bathroom was slightly bigger, but they also had grab bars by the toilet and in the shower. And the toilets were higher than traditional rooms. That may not seem like a big deal, but after you have abdominal surgery it hurts to bend down that low. Having the toilet that little bit higher made it much more comfortable to sit and get up on my own. The grab bars helped with stability while standing.

Once released from the hospital, I was given a prescription for Percocet. I was to take it every four hours as needed. At first I did take it every 4 hours, then 5, then 6 etc. It made me drowsy so I slept quite a bit. I was also taking several stool softeners a day to help things along. Mr. H would get up early, go to the free breakfast buffet, then bring me back something. I was hungry but didn't have much of an appetite, so a bagel with cream cheese, maybe some fruit and juice was all I had. All I wanted to do was sleep and I did but it wasn't very comfortable. The bed was fine, I just couldn't get comfortable or was in pain. Getting out of bed was tough too. I don't think one realizes how many abdominal muscles are used to sit yourself up and get out of bed. It was agony at some points because the bed was so low. A few times, in the middle of the night, I just rolled myself out of bed and crawled to the edge to pull myself up, because no matter how I tried I couldn't sit up on my own. And I was/am far too stubborn to wake up Mr. H and ask for help.

On day 3, I got a special visit from Jessica and her family. I'll write more about that in another post, but it was great finally getting to meet her- she's a doll. It was also a welcome distraction from thinking about the pain. Seeing her and her new daughter was also a reminder that Dr. Davis works miracles.

Day 4, I was ready to go home! I wanted to be in my own bed in my home. I wanted to see Autumn again, I wanted to be around family. Later that night, Dr. Davis came by the hotel after his ballroom dance class (I told you he was quirky!) to check on me and remove my staples. I was afraid that that would hurt, but it really didn't. The staple remover looked like a pair of scissors, with a blunt end. There was a slight clicking sound as he removed each staple (19 total). A couple of them stung a little bit but it didn't hurt any more than removing a sticky bandaid. I had Mr. H take a picture of my incision with the staples still in- it's a little freaky looking. I then saved the staples as a souvenir :-) The incision overall was about 5-6 inches long. It's healed nicely and after a week or so all the bruising went away. I can feel the raised skin on my abdomen, but it no longer hurts.

On day 5, we flew home. That morning after eating breakfast on the way to the airport, I got sick. Luckily, we had just pulled out of the parking lot and were not on the highway yet. I opened the car door and left NJ a little part of me. I was more concerned about the stomach cramping while vomiting than anything else. It wasn't too bad and once I was done, I felt much better. I'm not sure what made me sick that morning because I haven't had any morning sickness or nausea this pregnancy. The flight went on schedule. I packed a small toddler pillow that I got from BRU, to place between my incision and the seatbelt. It added the cushion I needed without any rubbing or irritation.

For the first week, I felt burning/stinging on my skin on my lower abdomen. The nurses and the doctor said it was the nerves coming back to life. What was/is strange though is that most of my lower abdomen from my belly button to my scar, was numb to the touch. I could poke, scratch, pinch it and I didn't feel it. I could lean up against a cold counter and not feel cold. Some feeling has come back to my belly button and I can feel about an inch above my incision. Hopefully over time, I'll get full feeling back. But since I'll be delivering this baby via cesarean and they'll have to cut me again, this process will probably start all over again.

Also worth mentioning, is that the pain meds make you constipated. That's why I was taking stool softeners from day 1, but they weren't really working. I took a full 7 days for me to experience relief. That was baffling to me, because I kept thinking "where is all this food going?", but the truth was, it wasn't going anywhere. I tried to go many times, to no avail. I finally called my doctor once I got home and basically begged for a remedy for relief, because my stomach was beginning to cramp. It's amazing it took a week for that to happen, but it did. The problem solver? A large swig of Milk of Magnesia. Not very tasty but it worked within 9 hours.

2 weeks post-op I was feeling much better but still sore at times, and the incision was still tender. By week 3, I was feeling a lot better. Week 4 brought a whole new person and I felt normal again. Dr. Davis told me there were two rules to follow. 1). If it hurts, don't do it. 2). No driving til I was able to jump off the bottom step of the stairs with all my weight and it didn't hurt. That scared me because I didn't want to even try that. I didn't drive for 6 weeks post op because I didn't really have a need to. Mr. H has taken me to all my appointments and most days, I'm resting and taking it easy at home. It has now been 7 weeks since the surgery and I can hardly tell I've had my belly cut open. There are times when my abdomen feels heavy and I feel pressure on my cervix but it's no longer painful. I assume that's how it will be from now til the end of the pregnancy but that's okay.

So that's my TAC story. I hope it will help someone out there that needs this information. I tried to not leave out any details- for me, knowledge is power. And knowing as much as possible about something that no one else is talking about is beneficial. Even if it only helps one other person, I've done my job.

P17 Injections and TMI :-)

2011-04-23T15:55:00.007-05:00

I got my first P17 shot on Wednesday. I was a bit freaked out when I read the bottle and it said "insert deep intramuscularly". It was the "deep" that terrified me, and I fully expected for Nurse Betty to come in my room with a 4-inch needle to poke me with. Because of that, my blood pressure was slightly elevated, but the last few weeks it has returned to normal. Thank goodness, because that's one less thing to worry about.

Anyway, I'm not generally fearful of needles or shots but knowing that I have to get these for the next 17 weeks, I was worried about the pain/side effects. Since I was just getting an injection and not seeing the doctor, a nurse visit was all that was scheduled for me. I didn't even see my regular nurse because they were so booked up, but the nurse that saw me was really nice, gentle and understanding. I asked her if she wouldn't mind checking the heart rate of Baby 3, just to assure me that it was still alive and well and she did. Heart rate was 160 bmp. That's all I need to know to get me through another week.

Firstly, I thought the injection was going to be given in my rear. It was actually given to me on my hip, right below my waist line. I felt the initial poke of the needle (which was only an inch long) but that was it. The medication is pretty thick so I fully expected it to burn and it didn't. It has to go in pretty slowly and it took about a full minute to push it all in, but like I said, there was no pain. A couple hours later though, the skin around the injection site burned a little and was sore. It was like that the rest of the day, but was fine the next.

I don't really know what the side effects of P17 shots are, because I didn't ask, nor did I google them, but I have been a little dizzy- not all day and mostly at night. I also feel like I'm starving. Like I woke up NEEDING to eat because my stomach hurt and felt like I hadn't eaten in days. Also, and this is totally TMI: TMI ALERT: Stop reading if you don't want to know.... but it smells a little odd "down there". Not funky, not bad or smelly, not dirty, just odd. Like it almost smells...burnt. ha ha! I tried googling that but came up with nothing. I guess I'll have to ask my doctor about that on Wednesday when I go back in. If anyone knows anything about P17 injections and their side effects or has experienced this before, let me know.

It's Official!

2011-04-17T13:39:00.003-05:00

I am officially more pregnant than I've ever been. Actually, I reached this milestone on Friday but I'm just now blogging about it. It feels good, but I still don't feel like I'm "safe" yet.

Thursday night was a little tough for me. I was 17w1d, which is when we lost Sam. I remember going to bed at 2am, with a back ache and cramping. I soaked in the tub and felt better so tried to get past it. I didn't realize at the time it was contractions- now I do. At promptly 4am, I woke up with the worst cramps of my life, which I thought was gas. I tried to use the bathroom to relieve myself but it didn't work. I rocked back and forth for a few minutes, then my water broke and the toilet filled with blood. That was the beginning of my worst nightmare.

That was 4 1/2 years ago and a lot has changed since then. Obviously, the transabdominal cerclage (TAC) is working and holding up well, which is why I'm still pregnant today. But I couldn't help but think back on what happened that night, this past Thursday. I didn't want to go to sleep, so I stayed up til 4 am in bed watching Sex & The City 2. It was a good distraction. A friend of mine says I should try hard and not associate all the bad things that happened with Sam. And she's right. But that night, I wasn't thinking of Sam. Yes, I missed him- I miss him all the time, but I was thinking more of my own personal trauma and all that I went through- it just happens to be on the same day Sam was born. Does that make sense?

The next day, after a good night's rest, I was able to reflect on how far I've come. And to know that I am more pregnant than I've ever been before, made me smile. It makes me feel like this baby actually has a real chance of being born ALIVE into this world. I'm hopeful and feeling good. I've been going to the OB every couple weeks and baby is growing as it should and doing well. Seeing him/her on the screen and hearing the heart beating at 170 bpm is such a relief for me.

Starting this Wednesday I'll be getting progesterone injections. I'll be 18 weeks and will take them until I reach 36 weeks gestation. I think they're called P-17 shots, but they help in preventing pre-term labor. My doctor told me that once you go into labor there isn't really any good medications that stop it and the one that works better than the others, affects the baby's heart rate so it can't be given for very long. So basically, if I go into PTL, I'm SOL. And my insurance has already said that they won't cover a loss having if I go into pre-term labor. Nice huh? So getting these weekly injections is just a precaution, it's being proactive. My OB didn't think I really needed them, but the perinatologist recommended I start them since it couldn't hurt anything. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to bring this baby safely into this world.

That's all for now, bathroom is still taken apart but the walls are getting put back up slowly but surely. Still haven't had the plumber out because 2 of them were out of town and another had car issues. Hopefully someone can come out this week to fix the damn plumbing. We picked out some really nice travertine and glass tiles and the tile setter came out today to give us an estimate. Hopefully it will all be completed within a couple weeks. I miss my shower!

16w4d and A (Tub) Leak

2011-04-10T14:45:00.006-05:00

I am now at the same gestation that I was when we lost Jack. This coming Thursday will mark the day when we lost Sam at 17w1d. It's a stressful week to say the least.

I went to the perinatologist on Wednesday for a follow-up appointment and they checked on the baby as well as my cervix. My cervix was measuring about 4 cm, and was closed. All that's good news but I still have doubts this thing will hold as it should. It's just a scary time for me. I go back in to my regular OB on Tuesday so I'll be able to see the baby again. In the last few days I've been feeling pressure and have a feeling of heaviness in my lower abdomen and on my cervix. This all could be completely normal but I can't help but think otherwise.

In other news, our guest bathroom has a leak in the tub. I noticed water pooling outside the tub when I showered and just thought that I wasn't closing the shower curtain correctly, but yesterday I let the water run for a few minutes before I got in and there was a puddle of water on the floor again, even though the water was facing away from the curtain. the leak was coming through the wall. Our linen closet backs up to the shower so we pulled out blankets, and towels only to find there was mold and mildew on the sheet rock and under the carpet. Then I thought that we (read: Mr. H) should check the carpet and walls in the adjoining room, which is the living room, to see if there was any damage. And there was. There was mold on the lower part of the wall behind the media cabinet. All the mold has been cleaned up and I'm not allowed to go near any of it. The carpets are dry and as I type, Mr. H is tearing down the walls on all three sides of the tub.

I've decided all of this is merely a distraction so that I'm not thinking about the baby and I can concentrate on something else. But I feel useless because I can't help and while Mr.H doesn't want me in there, I think he's a little bitter about having to do all the work himself. He is fully capable, he is a handyman after all, but his parents are on the way to assist.

I'll update when I know something else.

Normal

2011-03-25T15:43:00.003-05:00

I generally hate the word "Normal" because it usually doesn't apply to me, but today it's the best news possible.

Just got a call from the doctor's office: Baby is NORMAL!!!

An Update.

2011-03-24T16:04:00.003-05:00

My doctor's office called me back on Tuesday with an appointment with the perinatologist. I went to see him yesterday at 3:30pm. I knew they'd do an ultrasound but that's all. I was there for 4 hours, here's what happened.

The sonographer did an ultrasound on my belly but because the baby is still so small (14 weeks, 2 days) she had a hard time seeing. they decided to do the ultrasound trans vaginally and while they could see better, the baby was fast asleep and not budging so they still couldn't see what they needed to. They looked at the brain and it's growing well, but they couldn't see the neck area to measure the thickness. So the doctor came in and tried to look for himself. No such luck.

They had me drink a bottle of water to fill my bladder. After about 15 minutes they came back for another look. Not enough water, so they gave me 4 more cups. 15 minutes later they took another look and all they could see was my overly full bladder! So I went to the bathroom to drain my bladder then they looked again.

We talked to the doctor about our options for learning more information about whether or not the baby had Trisomy 18. We were told that we could do a CVS test (Chorionic Villus Sampling) an Amniocentesis, or we didn't have to do anything. Another option was to just wait and check the growth and anatomy at the 19 week scan. Generally, Trisomy babies are small and underweight so monitoring the growth of the baby is a good indicator to whether or not the baby will have T18. However, this baby has consistently measured a few days ahead of schedule in the growth department so that's reassuring.

Anyway, we opted to do the CVS test because the results are back within 2 days (tomorrow) and it tests specifically for all Trisomy abnormalities. If we did the Amnio, then we'd have to wait until week 16 so do it and the results would take longer to get back. So we opted for the CVS test. What is a CVS test? Well they insert a needle into your lower abdomen and remove fluid from between the placenta and uterine wall. They then test the fluid to determine if the baby is at risk of any chromosomal abnormalities.

They can remove the fluid, one of two ways. They can go through your cervix to retrieve it or through your abdomen. While my bladder was still full, they tried to insert a catheter, the width of a toothpick, into my cervix, up to my placenta. They do this all by ultrasound so they can see what they are doing. However, my cerclage is holding tight (thank God!) and there was no getting through it. He tried a couple time to get through, without success, so he went in abdominally. The gave me numbing medication through a syringe. He numbed the area, then with the syringe still inside me, he poked around til he found where he needed to be (guided by ultrasound) then withdrew a syringe full of fluid. That hurt quite a bit, even with the numbing medication, but it passed rather quickly and once he was done, the pain subsided.

They are testing the fluid and "growing it" to see what becomes of it. They'll determine whether or not the baby had any defects and call me tomorrow. I was there til 7 last night, and the doctor, the sonographer and 2 nurses stayed there without complaint. They close at 5, but never did they make us feel like we were a burden. Or that we needed to reschedule during "normal business hours". We left feeling important and cared for. He and his staff really were wonderful.

On top of all this, I've been experiencing high blood pressure with this pregnancy. In a non-pregnant state, my BP is consistently 120/80 but with this baby is been a lot higher. It doesn't matter who's checked it or where I've been, the time of day, it's been running about 140/90 - 140/100. I've been concerned about it and the nurses have commented about it but not one doctor has said anything about it. The perinatologists office called today and they want me to take my BP 3x daily and call them in a couple days with the results. If it continues to stay high, then I'll have to get on medication to keep it down.

That's all I know for now. I'll find out the fate of our baby tomorrow and I'll fill you guys in on the info. Thanks for being there for me and wishing me the best. I'm trying to stay calm and breathe, but it's tough. This baby is definitely spunky and different than the boys. I have to keep telling myself that. He/she is keeping me on my toes!

~Monica

Another Thing To Worry About

2011-03-21T18:52:00.003-05:00

I was going to write about the trans abdominal cerclage procedure and my experience, but I haven't been motivated to do it...yet. But I wanted to update you with what's going on. I went to the doctor last Tuesday and opted to do the First Screen test. It's done in the first trimester and it checks to see if you're at risk for carrying a baby with Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. I did it with both Sam and Jack and all was fine with them. So I elected to do it again this time.

There are a few different things they check for when they do this test. They do an ultrasound to check the thickness on the back of the neck (nuchal translucency), which can be an indicator of Down's. They also do a simple blood test (finger prick) and send it off, results are back in a week. They called me today to let me know that I am not at risk for carrying a baby with Down's Syndrome (Trisomy 21) but that I am at a slightly elevated risk for carrying a baby with Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome).

I know that there is a 5% chance of the results being false positive, but there's also a 95% chance that I could be at risk of carrying a baby with Trisomy 18. The doctor told me not to worry "too much" because my risk of being a carrier is only slightly elevated, but how in the hell do I NOT worry? Of course I'm going to worry, it's in my nature. They base the results on the ultrasound, the blood results as well at my age at delivery. The nurse practitioner said that the normal range for someone my age (28) to have a baby with Trisomy-18 is 1 in 150, but that my risk was 1 in 137. That seems awfully high to me. I tried to call them back to verify those numbers but they had closed 3 minutes prior. This is not a diagnostic test, but purely a test to determine if you need further testing.

They said they'd refer me to a perinatologist and would call me back with an appointment date tomorrow. I admit, I googled and got sucked in, so I shut it all down and am trying not to worry about this. I don't feel like anything is wrong, but I know that doesn't mean much. I don't want to think about even losing another child. I do know that Trisomy 18 is a deadly disease though and that 50% of babies die within 2 months and 90% die within 12 months. I don't want this to be my story. That scares the shit out of me.

Again, I have to remind myself that just because I am at a slightly elevated risk of having a baby with T-18, doesn't mean that he or she has it. This it is not a death sentence. The baby could be totally fine and I'm worrying for nothing. I hope this is the case, but we'll have to wait and do further testing- another ultrasound, more blood tests and possibly a more invasive amnio. I'll know more tomorrow, hopefully, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm hoping that by letting go of this worry and putting it out there, that it will help me deal with all this. And if you guys want to pray and cross your fingers, I'd appreciate that too.

Thanks.

From There To Here

2011-03-11T15:32:00.003-06:00

In the Summer of 2008, I started a "secret" blog in which I wrote about my boys and heartache with much more freedom. On that blog, I wrote anonymously, and I didn't hold back. I shared everything I didn't feel like I could say here. I don't know why that is though. Maybe because in "anonymous land" you can't be judged and I thought I would here??? Not sure. But in July in 2008 I thought I was pregnant and I wrote about it in detail. The very next day I got my period. That was two and a half years ago.

I authored that blog for a short few months then took it down, but decided to save the posts so that I could read them in the future if I ever wanted to. I just read them. There was so much sorrow pouring out of my words and I look back now and I don't know who that person was. Granted it was only 4 months after Jack died and I was in a low place, but I'm glad that person is no longer. Or maybe that person still exists inside me, but I am healed. Forever scarred, but healed.

Reading those older posts made me reflect on where I was then to where I am now. And I wanted you all to know that I am pregnant. There is no way to sugarcoat that. I know some of you will be thrilled by the news and some of you will be hurt by it. I get it. I've been there and everytime I heard of someone's blessing, it stung and made me feel less than. I felt left behind. I felt like a failure. My intention is not to hurt anyone, obviously, but it's been a long time coming and I am deserving of this. You are too and if you're waiting for your miracle baby, he or she will find their way to you. I know it's easy to say "be patient" but sometimes that's what you have to do. It took us 4 years to get where we are and it was worth the wait. I now know that this was the right timing for us.

I found out of January 15th that I was pregnant but didn't believe the stick and increasingly grew anxious and fearful. Mr. H and I were in denial for a week that it was really happening so we ignored it and didn't talk about it for 8 days. Then on the following Sunday, I started to bleed quite a bit and thought I miscarried. There was a lot of blood followed by several clots and as I flushed the toilet I thought I was flushing my baby down the drain. I cried but I've been through so much worse and knew I could handle this. I cleaned myself up, protected my clothing and went to bed. The bleeding ceased and by the next morning, all was "normal" again. I called the doctor and was seen immediately. The ultrasound indicated that there was indeed a baby still growing inside me. It measured 5 weeks, 6 days and we heard it's heartbeat. A true miracle. There was no sign of bleeding within, clots or damage. There was no explanation, it just happened.

I've been to the OB several times so far. We've had a few scares with low HcG and progesterone levels, but this baby is a fighter and continues to thrive. Low HcG levels can indicate an unhealthy pregnancy or a baby that is no longer developing, but once they saw him/her on the ultrasound screen, kicking and stretching, with an even stronger heartbeat, there was no longer a concern. My progesterone levels, which help the development of the baby as well and aid in proper functioning of my organs was supplemented with progesterone suppositories, twice daily for 6 weeks. I no longer have to take those anymore because it's believed that at 12 weeks, the body takes over and starts to produce it on it's own.

I am currently 12 weeks 3 days pregnant with a due date of September 21st. This is all very surreal and it's hard to believe that it's happening. And it's happening so quickly! I waited to announce this pregnancy, not for fear of "jinxing" it but because I wanted to make certain that it was going to last. I didn't want to tell everyone I was pregnant then have to take it back. But I guess now, we're at the point of no return. What do I mean by that? Well this past Friday (March 4th) we flew to New Jersey to have an abdominal cerclage placed in my lower abdomen. I've mentioned this cerclage before but it differs from most cerclages because it's much more invasive. Instead of placing the stitch through your cervix, vaginally, they cut you open, (like a c-section) and tie a Mersilene band around the cervix at the top near the uterus. I'll write another post about this at a later time, explaining all the ins and outs of the procedure and my experience, but in the meantime, it's in place and secure and holding this baby in. It has a 99% success rate so we are optimistically hopeful.

So now we just wait and see how the rest of this pregnancy goes. I am still recovering from the procedure and am very sore and tired, but the pain meds are helping. I know it will take time to return to my normal state, but I'm taking it one day at a time. That's all I can do to get through the rest of this pregnancy.

I thank you all for sticking with me and this blog even when I had nothing to say and for those of you who continue to send prayers and good thoughts. Thank you for the well wishes that you send to me and my family.

~Monica

Happy Birthday Jack!

2011-02-21T10:43:00.003-06:00

Happy 4th Birthday Jack!

We love and miss you so much.

Love, Momma and Daddy

P.S. Thank you to Sophie for making this special cupcake for Jack and for always remembering my sweet boy. It means so much.

A "Post Secret" Collection

2011-02-16T00:02:00.009-06:00

Over the past few years I have been "collecting" Post Secret Postcards. Some still apply to my life, some don't, but at one point or another they have all spoken to me in some way. At the very least, the feelings and secrets on these postcards made me feel less alone and I wanted to share them with you. Here they are, in no particular order.

I love this one!

Checking In

2011-02-10T21:18:00.002-06:00

Did ya miss me? I missed you guys too. Truthfully, I've been fine and I feel like I have so much to say but when it comes to blogging I feel like I shut down, or hold back, therefore I don't blog.

I was going to wish you all a Happy New Year then, it got to be too late so here I am mid February, just checking in to say that I'm still here, alive, and well.

I do promise to update more often when I have news to share. Until then, please know that I still think of you all everyday and I wish you all the very best.

I'll be back soon.

~Monica

Trusting

2010-12-24T03:37:00.005-06:00

I found this at Hallmark a couple weeks ago while I was looking for a gift for my mom. I read it and knew it was going home with me.

This statement has been one of the hardest things for me to accept. Because I don't understand why this is my struggle. I don't know why I am where I am, but I have to trust that it's all part of a bigger plan.

I keep this on my night stand and I read it before going to bed and again when I wake up. "Trust God, You are exactly where you are meant to be."

I'm trusting God and believing this is the truth.

Where ever you may be, however you may be feeling. I wish you all a peaceful and beautiful Christmas.

Many blessings to you,
Monica

Hope

2010-11-29T01:01:00.005-06:00

I came across a quote that I scribbled on a yellow notepad a couple years back. I stashed it away and came across it this weekend while looking for something that I never found. Perhaps this is what I was looking for and didn't know it.

"When the night is cloudy, I still believe in stars,
Even when the darkness blocks the light.
They're shining out like beacons on the other side of hope.
You can see them when you hold your heart just right."

- Selia Qynn

When One Thought Leads To Another

2010-11-23T03:01:00.003-06:00

This just happened.

I just went to bed. I lay there trying to clear my mind.

I started to think about coffee, which reminds me of a drive-thru shop in the neighboring town.

The coffee shop reminds me of the ceramic shop. I haven't painted pottery in over a year...maybe two.

I see myself sitting at the table with a full pregnant belly.

I am painting a name plate for the nursery.

The color paint is pink, and her name is "Layla".

When A 4 Year Old Makes You Cry

2010-11-04T03:16:00.005-05:00

I love my job. I love the kids I nanny for. Sure, I bitch sometimes about it but who doesn't complain about their job from time to time? I think mostly the reason I complain is because I think they take their kids for granted. But my reproductive path is very different from theirs, so I can't expect them to understand. I can only hope they'd be sympathetic and considerate of my feelings and for the most part they do and are. But sometimes it's the ones you least expect to hurt you that do.

I'm talking about the little one-- the 4 year old. Actually, he's not quite 4, but he will be in a couple weeks. I picked him up from school last Friday and he was in a good mood. He was happy and thrilled that when he got home he was going to get to decorate cupcakes for his early Halloween party. But somewhere between driving from school to home, he got snarky. He said I couldn't come to his party unless I wore a costume. Whatever.

Then he said that he didn't invite me to his party and that I couldn't come. Again, whatever. I told him that he was being rude and he should be nice to me since I was going to help him decorate the cupcakes. He then got loud with me and said that he wanted his mom to decorate the cupcakes and that since I wasn't invited I should drop him off and go home. His words... "Just drop me and leave". He repeated it several times and I finally raised my voice and told him that he was being rude and he should have a little more respect for me. It was like talking to a teenager- in one ear and out the other.

His response was "Just drop me, talk to my mom and leave Monica. I didn't invite you to my party. My friends and their moms are coming, that's all. You're not a mom so you can't come."

And that's where I sat there in silence and a little piece of me died inside. I was angry and hurt. So I got to his house, unloaded him from his car seat and gave him stuff and got back in the car...ready to leave. He cried because he was afraid I was going to leave him. Was I acting childish? Absolutely. How else do you reason with a 4 year old at a time like that? It wasn't until I got home and told Mr. H about it that I broke down.

"You're not a mom so you can't come" Words mumbled by a 4 year old that hurt me to my core. It brings tears to my eyes just typing those very words.

I AM A MOTHER DAMNIT!

Godspeed

2010-10-21T21:51:00.005-05:00

Everytime I hear this song from the Dixie Chicks, I think of the boys. I have been meaning to share this for a long time, so hear it is.
___________________________________________

Godspeed

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

A Birthday Card For Sam

2010-09-18T00:26:00.007-05:00

A couple days ago Sophie from A Loner, Dottie, A Rebel sent me this card that she made for Sam's birthday using images of his birthday flowers and footprints. I just thought it was too sweet not to share with you.

Thank you Sophie for thinking of my Sam!

Sam's 4th Birthday

2010-09-08T23:26:00.012-05:00

I intended to share Sam's birthday photos with you sooner, but a couple days after his birthday on August 15th, our bunny died and that set me back a bit. I then got really sick for about 2 1/2 weeks but I'm finally feeling better. Here are a few photos from Sam's day.

Kristi sent me these pretty cupcake liners for my birthday (thanks Kristi!) so I utilized them for Sam's cupcakes. I thought they were fresh and fun and Summery, perfect for the hummingbird cupcakes that went in them. I chose hummingbird cake because it's a sweet fruity (pineapple and banana) cake and I thought it was something a 4 year old might like. I'm not totally sure if he would have liked them or not, but I know he would have eaten all that frosting on top of that cupcake! If you'd like the recipe, you can go here.

We sang Happy Birthday to Sam at the cemetery, but after I made these, I stuck a candle in it and sang to him all by myself in the kitchen.

Earlier in the day, I picked up fresh flowers for Mr. H's grandparents as well as for Sam and Jack. We visited each one individually and took them bouquets of flowers. The flowers above were chosen just for the boys. When I went to the grocery store to pick them out, the lady was super helpful. I told her I was needing bouquets to take to the cemetery, and she let me look in their walk-in cooler for the flowers they had just received so I could get the freshest pick. We chatted back and forth for a bit then she asked me who I was honoring and I told her I was taking them out to my sons. She smiled and got quiet and never said anything else after that. I browsed for several more minutes, then smiled and thanked her for her help.

Mr. H's parents joined us at the cemetery for a balloon release. Not one other family member called us on that day (or any other day). I was disappointed and felt like he was forgotten. But I thank my in-laws for asking about his day and wanting to be involved in our plans. I also have some really wonderful friends that either called, emailed or visited them at the cemetery- I love you guys!

After we wrote messages on our 4 balloons, we released them into the sky where they took off! It was interesting to see them soar into the vast blue sky, but remain together. We said our goodbye's, shed a couple tears that blended in with the sweat running down our faces, then we went to dinner at one of my favorite cafes. Afterwards we went home and had those yummy cupcakes.

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

Happy 4th Birthday Sam. We love you!

August's Story

2010-08-25T02:35:00.006-05:00

It's been a week to the hour since our sweet bunny, August died. It seems like forever ago yet it's still so fresh in my mind.

I've mentioned before that he had respiratory issues. Over the last three years we've made several emergency vet visits late at night. We've shed tears because we worried about him and we feared we'd lose him. But he kept on truckin'. He always did. He'd have an "episode", where he's produce extraneous amounts of mucus, he'd gasp for air, he'd clear it, then he'd be fine and act as normal as could be. It was baffling.

A few weeks ago he started hacking, we checked on him and instead of clear mucus it was dark green, like spinach. He rushed him to the vet at 2 am, and the vet said it looked like stomach contents and diagnosed him with having reflux disease. Alright then. As always, once he did his thing, he was fine. Last week started off the same. I held him in my lap, stroked his soft fur, whispered in his ears and gave him kisses on his head. His heart rate was elevated but he seemed okay.

Then all of a sudden mucus started coming from his nose, he was gasping for air, then he started kicking, he began to thrash and tried to escape me. We tried to calm him down and hold him still because we didn't want him to hurt himself. He kicked off of me, scratched my neck, so I gave him to Mr. H. He tried to contain him and he did the same thing. I took him back and as he kicked, he fell onto the floor, which was only a foot and a half off the ground.

I worriedly picked him up, only to find that he was no longer kicking but eerily still. He was still breathing at a rapid rate, but his body seemed lifeless. I began to panic and cry. I just knew he was dying. Mr. H called the ER vet and they told us to bring him in. We scurried around the house, with him swaddled in our arms, trying to get our shoes on. I was freaking out and beside myself. Mr. H was holding him as he took his last breaths. He was gone.

It just happened so fast. It was/is so surreal. We knew one day he'd pass, but we never thought it would happen this early. He was only 3 years old. Of course this all brings me back to loss and the boys. And how I'm convinced that we're not meant to have boys and how they all seem to die on us. I feel like I've let him down. I know that his death was not my fault and I don't blame myself but I feel like I should have been able to do something for him.

We got August after the boys died because bunnies just reminded us of them. He brought us so much joy and laughter. He was such a spas but he was a sweetheart. He definitely had a personality and we will miss his quirkiness and his super soft, fine hair that stuck to everything. He helped fill a void in our lives and put smiles back on our faces. He was more than a pet and we miss him so much.

RIP August

2010-08-18T04:37:00.003-05:00

Our bunny died unexpectedly this morning around 2:45am. We are deeply saddened and miss him terribly.

August

8/25/07 - 8/18/10

Four

2010-08-15T04:16:00.003-05:00

Happy 4th Birthday Sam!

Non-Existent Future

2010-08-02T18:30:00.007-05:00

I can't believe it's August already. I prefer Fall and Winter over this intense heat that we're having and I can't wait for the cooler weather to get here, however this heat is a reminder of Sam. He was born on one of the hottest days in our area in August 4 years ago. I don't necessarily associate the heat with him, but when I think of leaving the hospital without him I am reminded of it and how suffocating it all is.

Sam's 4th birthday is in 12 days. I all of a sudden feel strange calling it his "birthday" because he's not 4. Yes, it is his day of birth and yes, he would be 4 this year...perhaps it's the 4th anniversary of his birth??? Or just Sam's Day. Period.

We got an e-vite for Mr. H's cousin's birthday this coming weekend. He is turning 4 and is having a T.ransformers pool party. yay. I've written about this boy before and I refer to him as our shadow baby. He is where Sam should be. I don't usually think of this boy throughout the year, but when his birthday rolls around every August, I wonder about what should/could have been. I just can't go to this party. If he were having a BBQ party at the park just because, or if they invited us over hotdogs and cupcakes on a Tuesday, I'd have no problem seeing him, But you call it a 4th birthday and I go into panic mode.

In fact I was telling Mr. H about the e-vite and told him that we wouldn't stay, but that we'd drop off a birthday gift for him and within seconds my heart was beating faster and my stomach started to churn. Not a good idea. the thought of it was okay but as soon as I said it I panicked. I think I'll email his cousin and let her know that we can't make it but that we'll drop off a gift earlier in the week.

I don't even think I could handle seeing a group of 4 year olds playing together. It's just too much. I'd look at them and wonder how tall Sam would be. Would he be potty trained yet? Would he know how to swim? Would he tan easily like his dad or would he burn like his momma? Would his hair get lighter in the sun? Would it get wavy when wet? Would he jump in the pool and yell "Mom, look at me!"? When he got out of the pool would he give me wet sloppy hugs? Would his thick eye lashes clump together when wet emphasizing his big brown eyes like his Dad's? Would he get blue frosting all over his face turning his lips blue? Would he get jealous over the birthday boy's new Buzz Light Year? Would he beg me for one until he got one for his birthday? I can only wonder.

Do you think we'll still be like this when they start school? Or turn into teenagers? Or when they are of legal driving age? Will we resent all the graduates when our babies should have walked that stage too? How long does this go on? When this kid turns 30 years old, will I still be thinking of Sam and what he would be like? Will I be wondering if he was married or had a family? Will I be thinking about the career he should have had? When does this stop?

Sierra's Story

2010-07-23T19:43:00.017-05:00

Yesterday, we lost a dear friend. Her name was Sierra.

Sierra was a Black Lab/Rottweiler mix. The Rotty in her made her tough and she never put up with any bull from other dogs, but her heart was so kind. She was often referred to as "Big Puppy" and even though she was over 16 years old, she was indeed a puppy at heart. A puppy with incredibly soulful brown eyes. I want to share some pictures of her with you and hopefully by the end of this blog post, you'll get an idea of the "huggy bear" that she was.

Mr. H and his parents got Sierra when she was about 6 months old. She was, as her name implies, born in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. She was owned by a fireman who couldn't keep her and by way of his father, she made her way to Texas and into our family. I didn't meet Sierra until she was about 6 years old. She was indeed an Alpha female, but she welcomed me with wet nose kisses from the very beginning.

Meeting Autumn was a different story though. I don't think she ever felt threatened by Autumn, she was just annoyed by her. ha! Autumn was 11 years younger than her and she could run laps around her- and she did. She was ALWAYS kissing all over her and wagging her tail in her face. They seemed completely opposite, but mostly it was because of their age difference. Autumn has more energy than she knows what to do with and Sierra was always calm and just wanted to chill. Sierra quickly realized that Autumn wasn't going anywhere and she accepted her. She even began to enjoy her company and would look forward to coming over to our house to play. When we'd go over there Autumn would run into every room looking for her friend until she found her and she greet her with wet kisses. Towards the end, it was as if seeing Autumn gave her a little more energy. She seemed a little more lively and she was comforted by her presence. Autumn was so sweet with her too. She was gentle and careful to walk around without disturbing her. She was tender and caring and so affectionate towards her. She was very concerned about her friend.

She was never a cuddly dog, nor was she a prissy thing. When she was little she'd play with a tennis ball or two, but she couldn't be bothered to play with toys or squeaky stuffed animals- she was too cool for that. She was independent and could do everything on her own. She didn't need to be kissed and rubbed to feel loved. Of course she did LOVE to have her rump scratched and if you stopped, she circle back around until your hand wound up on her back end so you'd could continue to give her some lovin'. If you wanted to rub her soft as silk ears, she was okay with that too.

'Sweet' was her middle name... as long as you didn't get between her and her chew bone :-) It was always funny too see her and Autumn be so territorial over their chews. Then they'd give up the act and switch chews and head in different directions to devour them. Sierra was a little bully though so if she wanted Autumn's chew then she'd get it. Autumn was happy to give it up- anything for her friend.

She was a great traveller and loved to ride around in the back of their SUV. She had her own ramp to help her get in the truck but she had a routine. First she's like to go around the front of the truck then make her way to the back- all on her own time. I had the opportunity to travel with her to Durango and to Santa Fe over the years and she was just as interested in getting out of the truck, taking potty breaks and exploring as much as we were. She was just as happy riding to the doggy park to let loose and chase squirrels too.

Sierra also loved my baking. One of the first things I ever baked when I got together with Mr. H was homemade vanilla wafers. I took the time to stack them and roll them in plastic wrap and tie the ends with ribbons. They made it to Mr. H's parents house and onto the coffee table where his mom was sampling and enjoying them. Sierra somehow snuck over and ate them all when no one was looking. Most recently, I made cinnamon raisin bread and sent a loaf to my in-laws. Sierra lost her appetite and hadn't been eating much over the last couple weeks. I suggested they skip the canned dog food and try some scrambled eggs- she scarfed them up. After a couple days when she tired of eggs, she turned to my cinnamon swirl bread and ate half a loaf :-) That was okay though because most days she refused to eat anything.

On a good day, Sierra weighed between 85 and 90 pounds. When she died, she was about 60 pounds. Her ribs and spine were visible through her thick shiny black fur. If you looked at her from above and she was standing, you could see her pelvic bones- which measured about 8 inches across. She was typically a healthy dog, but because of her breed, she was susceptible to hip problems. Towards the end, it was very difficult to get around. She managed on her own but she was slow. At times, her hind legs were very weak and she couldn't stand for any amount of time and they'd buckle below her. They had to use towels to cradle her in a sling to help her along. There's carpet all throughout the house and that helped with her traction, but there were occasions when she fell and couldn't get up. The past couple of days she just lay on her side and we transported her through the house by dragging her or lifting her with a towel beneath her.

Sierra's liver was also failing due to her age. After all she was 112 in people years. She was on several daily medications and vitamins but it got to the point where they weren't helping her anymore. After she stopped eating, we knew it was only a matter of time. We fed her whatever she would eat. Sometimes it was ground beef, or chicken breast or turkey from my sandwich, other times nothing interested her, not even cheese or ice cream, which were her favorites. She was known to polish off a plate of cheese and crackers that was left on the coffee table or lap up a bowl of melted ice cream. On Sunday she had a little filet mignon and she had a little canned food on Tuesday but I think that was the last she ate. She wouldn't even take water anymore- she didn't have the strength to hold her head up to lap up any water. We don't believe she was in any pain but she didn't have the energy or strength to move. She was in her final resting spot for over 14 hours. Her breathing became labored and my MIL had several calls into vets but she couldn't get in touch with anyone.

Finally a doctor and a tech (which was also her pet sitter) came over after hours to relieve her. They gave her a sedative to keep her calm even though she hadn't moved in hours. Her eyes would blink and her brows would move around when she heard Autumn or someone walk by, but she was just so still. They gave her a shot and within seconds she was gone. At peace. And so still. It was very difficult to watch and it happened so fast but it would have been selfish of us to have kept her any longer. She lived a wonderful life and she was very well taken care of. She brought immense joy to our lives and we will miss her always.

Sierra

April 1994- July 22, 2010

Dusting Off This Blog

2010-07-11T18:53:00.007-05:00

It's been almost a month since my last post. And even though I only blogged once for the whole month of June! That's sad, it really is. I think about this blog often and I attempt to write at least once a week, but then I get to the blank page and just stare at it. I don't know what to say. Either I don't feel like it's important or relative or...I'm at a loss for words now!

So just so you all know that I'm alive and well and this is really me and now some stranger who has high-jacked my awesome blog (ha!) I'll let you know what I've been up to.

I'm still working as a part time nanny 3-4 days a week. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out but I love the boys so I get over it. If I could just figure out how to get the 3 1/2 year old to poop in the toilet and not in his pants "just a little bit" then things would be so much better.
Father's Day was interesting. We spent it at home and my in-laws came over then we went to dinner. I don't have a ~~close~~ relationship with my dad so I didn't even attempt to contact him. I did call my grandpa and I sent him a card. I got a card and a small gift for Mr. H and we got a golf gift certificate and pj's for my FIL. I got a gift for my stepdad but I don't really think he's much of a father so I didn't call to gloat on him. In fact 98% of the time he's a complete ass. He and my mom were pissed at me for not making more of an effort to celebrate him. I was pissed about it for about a day then I got over it because he's not a father to me, why should I pretend?
My birthday was a couple weeks ago. I had to work that day but I had a nice time celebrating with family and friends the day of and the weekend prior. Obviously I don't feel any older but I'm starting to get wrinkles around my eyes and I'm NOT liking it at all. Any suggestions on eye/wrinkle cream would be greatly appreciated :-) If you would like to read about my birthday, you can go here.
Mr. H and I are going away for a couple days this coming weekend. Then I'm taking vacation for a week. We don't really have any plans for my time off, I just plan on relaxing and enjoying the peace and quiet.
On the TTC end- it's still going. We bought some fertility aid vitamins that were supposed to improve sperm quality and general fertility. I was really excited about buying them, $100 and a month later, they were still in the bag untouched. I don't know why I didn't/couldn't take them. So I returned them. I can always repurchase them right? I guess deep down I knew they wouldn't really help anything.
I 've been wanting to paint our bedroom and rearrange furniture in there for a while. But I'm a nerd and I needed to make sure that the furniture placement would work the way I wanted it to so I had to draw out a plan first. It will work :-) Now I just have to do it. I haven't really decided on a color yet, though I'm leaning towards lighter blue/gray/greens. Our room doesn't get much light so I don't want it to feel any darker than it is. Our bedding and decor is in these tones and we have dark wood furniture. Any suggestions? I'm all ears.
The Texas heat is killing me and causing me to melt away a little at a time. Why is it so dang hot and humid here? I can't wait for the fall again.

Guess that's all for now. Hopefully I'll blog again before the month is over! I hope you are all doing well. Miss you guys.

~Monica

Grief and Moving On

2010-06-15T02:14:00.000-05:00

Started feeling guilty so I thought it was time for another post.

I guess the reason for my absence is that I don't feel like I need to blog in order to deal with my feelings. Does that make sense? It used to be that I needed to blog about everything I was feeling or experiencing in order to process it all. And it surely helped that I shared it because I felt less alone. There were other people (you guys) that understood me.

Nowadays I'm not so overwhelmed by grief so my problems seem minor in comparison, but I'm also able to talk them over with a friend or my husband and feel okay. I guess that's what one would call "normal". Though I don't always feel normal I am able to deal with everyday life situations.

Sure I have grief/fertility/TTC news that I could write about on this blog but I think twice before I share. Often times I feel it's too personal when originally that thought never crossed my mind. Progression, maybe?

Mr. H and I are okay. We are still truckin' along. There is no exciting news to share, we're still trying to conceive every month though I try not to think about it too much. I had to quit charting my saliva "ferns", marking on the calendar when we were intimate, and tracking my cycles. It became overwhelming for both of us. Each failed month that goes by still causes us stress but we're coping.

It's still hard for me to read the pregnancy/fertility/baby blogs that I used to read. It's difficult for me to continue reading about everyone's struggles and successes. I know that may sound a little chicken shit but it's the truth. When I read new stories of loss I feel deeply saddened but I don't want to go back "there". When I read stories about those that are on the other side of loss and are pregnant or have children I feel like a failure. Half of the blogs that I used to read on a regular basis don't even post even more because they've moved on. Yeah, that's purely an assumption but it's how I feel. I still read though I don't always comment because I don't have the words.

I was talking to a friend the other night over coffee at the bookstore about surpassing the 5 stages of grief- Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Check, Check, Check, Check and Check. I didn't always know about the stages of grief, but I happened to run across something online talking about it and I thought "hey, I've conquered grief". At the time I couldn't remember all five stages so I wanted to look them up in grief books. My friend said that the because I wanted to look at grief books that I was not past the acceptance stage but still in depression. I know that's just her opinion but it's something that I can't quite shake. If she sees me as depressed, surely others do. I have a hard time accepting that. Yes, thinking about my losses still hurts and makes me sad. Add on top of that all the infertility issues and some days I feel like I'm going crazy. But I'm not stuck in the dark like I used to be. I see the light though sometimes it's a little gray and cloudy.

Guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading.

Memorial Day 2010

2010-05-29T00:00:00.001-05:00

Flowers In A Hole

2010-05-24T23:42:00.004-05:00

We went to the cemetery today to visit Mr. H's grandparents and the boys. Upon driving up to the section in which his grandparents rest, I realized their flowers looked a little funny. We grabbed a new bouquet from the back seat along with some things to clean the headstone. When we approached their marker we realized that the flowers did indeed look funny. They weren't in a vase. Instead they were sticking in a hole in the ground in where a vase should be.

We went to the office to inquire about it. I waited in the car while Mr. H went in to talk to someone about the missing vase. their response was that there were two brothers that were going around central Texas stealing thousands of bronze vases to melt them down and collect the money. Who does that? The men were caught and are now in prison (according to the woman he spoke to) but the cemetery doesn't plan on replacing the vases and they aren't being returned.

Luckily, the boys headstones and vases were untouched.

So in order to get another vase to replace the stolen one, WE have to pay for it. That is wrong on so many levels. They did say that instead of the usual $300 to replace it we could purchase one for $60. Again, not okay with me. Over 400 bronze vases were stolen from this one cemetery, yet we were never notified. I know it's not the cemeteries fault that this happened but doesn't someone have to be held responsible.

What would you do?

Somebody Has Been Sleeping In My Bed

2010-05-18T02:22:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure this is not how I left my bed this morning when I got out of it.

Aha! That explains it!

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

I love you momma!

A Daughter for Mr. and Mrs. H?

2010-05-04T02:39:00.004-05:00

I've been wondering lately (well actually for a couple years now) what our next child's gender will be. We've had a boy and girls name picked out since we first found out we were pregnant with Sam (4 years ago) and neither have been used.

I've wondered if we'll have a girl and if I'll be satisfied with that. I know that sounds shitty, but my heart desires and misses my boys. I want a boy because I feel like I need to live out my life parenting a son. I need to know what I've been missing out on.

A few weeks ago, I was eating a popsicle while taking care of LD. It was a fruity one with a joke on the stick. The icy treat was covering up part of the popsicle and as soon as I read it, I got anxious and had to call Mr. H.

I felt like it was a sign (from the popsicle gods???) of what was to come. Then I finished the lemony pop and read the rest of the joke.

And it made me laugh.

Will we have a girl? I don't know but if we do, we'll know what to call her and it won't be Patty. She will be loved, there's no doubt about that. But do I want a boy? Yes. Will I be happy and blessed with either? Absolutely.

Filling In The Blanks

2010-04-19T23:37:00.003-05:00

Sorry guys for asking for your prayers and thoughts for my cousin and not filling you in on the outcome. My cousin is doing very well and was released from the hospital last week. He's getting his life back together doing better than we all expected. We appreciate all your kind thoughts. I truly believe they got him through this. Thank you.

I've been sick for the last 10 days and feeling like major crud. I went to the doctor and he said it was a virus and sent me home. wtf? So I've been taking lots of cold medicine and allergy stuff in attempts to get better. Finally feeling a little better but I'm still pretty congested and coughing quite a bit. ugh.

Still taking care of the kiddos but I'm working a couple hours extra a week. LD goes to school a couple days a week so on those days I pick him up from school at noon then take care of his the rest of the day. Since I was sick last week, it was hell! It took everything I had not to call in sick, of course that meant I was falling asleep at work.

Since I pick up LD from school on my way to work, that means I have to have a car seat in my vehicle. Did you just read that? I have a car seat in my vehicle! I feel like such a fraud. I guess on the outside my life looks ideal. I live in the suburbs, I drive a big SUV and I have a car seat in the back, which must mean I have the perfect family and life. very soccer mom-ish, no? It really irritates me to have that seat in my car. I almost feel like people are judging me because of it. Or maybe that's just me judging other people because that's how I feel about the situation???

Anyway, I had a thought today. I was driving to my moms house and approached a red light. I stopped and glanced over to my left and saw a weed growing out of the concrete through a crack. I've always marveled at that because I just think it's amazing how life just happens and thrives in the most unexpected places. Really, what are the odds? Then I thought, my uterus is kind of like the concrete. I'm just waiting for a crack in which something will grow. Really, what are the odds?

I need you!

2010-04-09T01:04:00.000-05:00

I thought of a few things to blog about, but they're going to have to wait.

My cousin is in desperate need of prayer, positive vibes or good juju, whichever you can spare. I don't want to share too much information because I don't want to invade his privacy, but he's really sick right now and in the hospital.

His labs are not good and instead of getting better, things are getting worse. Please please please say a prayer to whatever God that you believe in that he's going to be okay.

He has to be okay.

Still Here

2010-03-24T01:34:00.001-05:00

Just don't have much to say... Thank you to those of you who checked up on me.

xoxo, Monica

For A Friend

2010-03-13T01:55:00.002-06:00

I found this written in the snow in DC and I thought of you.

New Blog

2010-03-08T12:22:00.005-06:00

If you're interested, I started a new photo blog a couple weeks ago called Natural Lighting. It's updated daily with a new photo. It's nothing fancy, just me sharing some of my favorites.

Hope you'll check it out!

Babe,

2010-03-06T00:00:00.000-06:00

Happy 5th anniversary my love.

xoxo, Monica

So close

2010-03-03T12:30:00.000-06:00

It's March and I can't help but ~~think~~ know that we could have a baby at home with us right now. What am I talking about? Well back in late October/ early November my mom got a call from her co-worker saying that he knew of a couple babies up for adoption because he knew of our story. His sister is head of a hospital in a small town in here in Texas and she told him if he knew of anyone who was interested in adoption to give her a call.

So I called. There were two women (one of them had the same name as me) who were giving up their babies for adoption because they couldn't care for them. They were about 4-ish months pregnant and neither knew the sex. They just knew they didn't want them. When I spoke to the lady in charge she told me that neither women were very well educated, both were Hispanic and both were in their 30's. One was married and the other was not. Both already had children.

I was also told that both babies were due in mid February and were healthy. Generally we'd have to pay for the rest of the mother's care but because they were both on Medicaid, there was no charge to us. All we had to pay was the lawyer's fees, which was about $1500. So all we had to do was wait a few months, hire a lawyer and go pick up the baby. What was stopping us?

I spoke with one mother. It was very surreal. I was basically selling myself to her, telling her all about us-- our names (first only), about our fertility history, what we did for a living, why we wanted a baby, why we didn't have children, why we couldn't have children and why we thought we'd be good parents to the baby she was carrying. I was a nervous wreck. I gave her as much info as I possibly could without sounding desperate and crazy. I also asked her a few questions.

She is married to a man who beats her, so she's separated. She currently has 6 kids though none of them live with her. 3 boys and 3 girls live with her mother and they range in age from 2-12. That's 6 kids, though this was her 12th pregnancy. Yeah, you read that right. Her first child was given up to adoption when she was 15. Somewhere in the mix she had 3 abortions and 1 miscarriage. Two of the abortions were with her husband because she didn't want to carry his children and one is because she was raped.

She told me she drank and partied a lot, except for when she was pregnant (except that seems to be all the time). She was giving up this baby because she's not on speaking terms with her mother and her mother didn't want to raise another one of her kids. Here's where the problem comes in...I judged her. I judged her for having that many pregnancies, that many abortions, for being that careless and irresponsible, for not wanting her baby, for not being a mother to the kids she had. All the while I was judging her, I felt I was being judged as well for being such a loser. She asked me to send her a picture of us and I did, anxiously, and never heard back from her. What does that mean?

I know it's wrong to have judged her. I do. If she had a perfect life, a supporting husband, the finances, etc. she would probably be keeping this baby. Then what, my judgement would end? I know that baby deserves a good life and I know we could have given it to him or her. I acknowledge that she was doing the best thing for that baby by giving him the opportunity to be raised by parents who want him. But those parents were not us.

We thought about it for a week. We thought about all we'd have to do and I became overwhelmed by the idea. I thought of how effortless it all was and got swept up in that. I liked the idea of being able to adopt and have a baby grow up with us in our quiet home. It's what we've been longing for. But that wasn't our baby. It's not because of my feelings towards the mom, but that baby just didn't feel like it was ours. I know our baby is out there and he or she is waiting for the right time to enter our lives but he wasn't it. I just feel badly because his mother didn't want him and neither did we. I hope by now he's born, healthy, happy and loved entirely by his adoptive parents.

Until then we will wait...

I know I may receive some flack for being so judgemental to a woman who was being so "selfless" but please be kind.

Jack's Third

2010-02-26T00:24:00.003-06:00

We started off Jack's 3rd Birthday with brunch at our house. Mr. H's parents came over to share the day with us. We had Blueberry Ricotta Pancakes and a few other breakfast essentials.

Then we went to the cemetery to see the boys and their grandparents. We cleaned off their headstones and sang happy birthday to Jack. We took them fresh flowers and a special birthday boy card from his mom and dad.

We came home to Tigger and Pooh who were waiting for us and ready to have cupcakes.

We had a beautiful day with gorgeous weather and it was all about Jack. The way it should be.

Jack, I Heart You

2010-02-21T04:50:00.012-06:00

For the last few days I felt as if I wasn't thinking enough of Jack. Today is his birthday and all I've been thinking about is Mr. H and his upcoming birthday in a couple days. It's not that I've forgotten about him it's just overwhelming and exhausting sometimes. If you've experienced a loss then you know what I mean.

I can't ever possibly go back to those first raw moments and relive our time together. It's physically and emotionally impossible. And while I think of them every single day, several times a day, my thoughts of them are different. I guess in some weird and completely invalid way I feel like because I don't grieve for them like I did that I don't love them enough. I do and I could never love them less but each birthday is a new experience for me. And while this is his 3rd, this is the 6th birthday between the two boys. They come every 6 months whether I'm ready for them or not.

I just don't want Jack's birthday or Sam's to ever be an after thought. I want them to know (and I know they do) that I love them with all my heart and I miss them just as much as I did when I first realized that they were not going to make it. But really I think it's more than that. I feel like I need to prove to others my love for them. I know this is crazy but it's all part of the game, right? It's all part of being the best mother you can be.

I live each day for them. And for myself. I can never move on and get over it, but I can move forward. I will try.

"I never did forget your birthday and I never will." ~Mother Bear (from Little Bear by Else Holmelund Minarik)

Happy 3rd Birthday Jack!

For Brandon & Janet

2010-02-16T00:00:00.000-06:00

Brandon- Thank you for your strength, bravery and your courage. We appreciate all you sacrifice in fighting for our freedom. Please be safe and return home to your momma.

Janet- I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace. Hugs my friend.

Many prayers are headed your way. And readers if you can spare any good thoughts, Brandon and his family sure could use them.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T00:20:00.000-06:00

I hope you all have a lovely day.

xoxo, Monica

Good Ol' Abe

2010-02-12T17:07:00.013-06:00

It's Abraham Lincoln's birthday and it just so happens I went to see him the other day in the snow. He says hello!

BTW, we're home! We made it in very late last night and I was so relieved to be home and in my own bed. I even baked today as I was experiencing withdrawals. pineapple upside down cake- yum!

There were a lot more people put and about then I thought there would be considering all the snow. But it was a beautiful day and the sun was shining so we went sightseeing. This is the front of the Lincoln Memorial and usually you're allowed to head up the steps to see Abe up close but the steps were still icy so we had to watch from a distance.

This guy cracked me up! His friend was taking his picture and he got on the lid of this trash can to slide down and he made it about 2 feet before he got stuck. Very uneventful for him but very funny for me :-)

As I turned around, this was the view awaiting me. Beautiful! I was not brave enough to go play on the frozen reflecting pool, but they seemed to be having fun.

***************************************************************

Well Sunday is Valentine's Day. We quit celebrating it after the first year of dating because I refused to make reservations for dinner and Mr. H didn't care enough to. We tried going out to several places for dinner and couldn't get in anywhere. I was pissed and I stayed that way for days. I think back on that now and I see how immature and petty I was. I was also only 17 years old too so I'm not too hard on myself. These days we just enjoy being together and exchanging cards, sometimes they're homemade other times they're store bought. It's not important, it's our love that is. So this weekend we'll probably stay in, have a nice dinner followed by something chocolate!

Enjoy the pictures and have a wonderfully romantic weekend. Do you have any plans?

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

2010-02-09T22:04:00.003-06:00

Have you seen Planes, Trains and Automobiles with Steve Martin and John Candy? Well the basis of the story is two men are trying to get home to their families for the holidays. They try every form of transportation possible, over the span of several days, including but not limited to planes, trains and burnt automobiles. It's hilarious and if you haven't seen it, it's a must.

What I'm trying to say is that we're trying to get home too. It snowed again today and they're expecting another 20 inches of snow in the DC area. All flights have been cancelled and keep getting moved back. We're scheduled to leave Thursday evening but that might change. Keep your fingers crossed that we get home to see our furry friends- we miss them! And also for the people who are using these forms of transportation to get home as well.

crazy.

News Brief

2010-02-07T01:08:00.003-06:00

We are in DC and we are staying warm and dry, despite the history making weather!

I'm too lazy to write all the details and I have very limited internet access but if you'd like to read more, head on over to my other blog to see some snow pics and see how we are.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Back and Forth

2010-01-26T19:45:00.002-06:00

I think I go through different stages in my grief. As we all do. In this case I'm referring to finding out about someone's new pregnancy or baby. Believe me I'm thrilled for you (whoever you are) but it's like a punch in the gut for me.

At first it used to be really hard and I would cry over their great news. Then I got to the point where I could handle it and was hopeful for them and their news made me smile and I processed it well. I'm back to the point where hearing or reading about such news causes me much anxiety. I'm mean like serious, butterflies in my tummy, raised blood pressure and on the verge on a panic attack anxiety.

If I fail to congratulate you or comment on your blog or slap a smile on my face I'm truly sorry. I AM happy for you. I am. I wish you all the best. But just thinking about it makes my stomach churn (as it is right now!). Things will change again in the future but as of right now I just can't deal with it. Forgive me.

Focus

2010-01-25T15:01:00.007-06:00

"Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself. You may be surprised at how easily this happens. Your doubts are not as powerful as your desires, unless you make them so." — Marcia Weider

I wrote down this quote several months ago, though I don't know where it came from or why exactly I felt it spoke to me.

Or maybe I did.

Moms Day Out

2010-01-22T17:28:00.005-06:00

I debated with myself about writing this post. I always fear that when I talk about someone they're going to find out and it will end up biting me in the ass. However I'm not talking about this person in a bad way, just as I see it. That just so happens to not be so good :-)

Mr. H's cousin invited me to lunch today. She has a 3 1/2 year old that was born just days before Sam. I love her I really do. And while we have a few things in common and we get along well, we just aren't that much alike. For instance she is 12 years older than me and is a mother to 3 living children. That is who and what she is-- a mother.

She brought her child along with us to lunch and I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me but it was so hard to not look at him and wonder about my Sam. They would be the same age, had he lived. Would they be friends? Would his mom and I be closer? Would we have play dates? ~~Just the thought of that is sickening.~~ I just don't know. But today made me realize what I am not. Or rather what I do not have.

We live fairly close to one another so she picked me up and we went to the mall since she and I both had a couple things to return. After that, we went to Gy.mbor.ee, Chi.ldrens P.lace, The Di.sney St.ore, we waited so her wee one could get on a carousel in the middle of the mall, we browsed the windows of Bu.ild A Be.ar and we had lunch in the food court. After that we went to a larger department store so I could look for something to wear for the funeral. When we left we picked up her kiddos from school.

Now I don't want to say that she was being selfish in wanting to go to these places because that is her life and those are her interests. Those are the places she needs to go...but I have no business in there whatsoever! In fact most of the time I was watching the stroller or making sure her child didn't run out of the store while she was shopping. At one point she handed me her Starbucks and asked me to hold on to it so she she could finish looking. It was my day off yet I was still running after a 3 year old. This bothered me. A lot.

Not to defend her or her actions but maybe this is what she and her friends do together???

Of course I said nothing. What could I say? I don't fault her for being a mother. I don't fault her for not knowing what it's like to be a childless mother. And while she did try to make small talk about us TTC, she just doesn't get it. We live in separate worlds and yet just a couple miles in between.

Guess What?

2010-01-19T21:24:00.004-06:00

Chicken butt. ha!

Just kidding. On the first day of the year while Mr. H and I were out in our front lawn trying to snap pictures of the fireworks our redneck neighbors were lighting off, in the freezing cold!, I mentioned to him that I would love one day to go to Washington DC on the 4th of July to see the fireworks. I lived there as a kid and I've seen them and they truly are amazing. I wish he could see them and I wish I could see them again. I know I'd appreciate so much more.

Well last week Mr. H asked if I'd like to go to DC. Uh, yeah! Except we're not going in July and we're not going alone. My MIL's cousin passed away and he was a Vietnam Vet and is been buried at Arlington Cemetery. I didn't know him but I heard he volunteered for 2 tours in Vietnam and that is truly something to be proud of. I think it's an honor to be buried there and we feel honored to have been included.

When I lived there, we literally lived right across from the cemetery. Like we could walk outside the building and cross the street and we were there! How cool is that? But I've never been to a military funeral despite being so close. And even though I've been to the White House and The Smithsonian, I don't remember any of it. I lived there 20 years ago!

So we're really looking forward to heading out of here and getting away for a few days. We'll be leaving in a couple weeks and so far the airfare and hotel are booked. We've bought warmer coats and long underwear because I'm quite certain I'm going to freeze. I don't do cold weather.

Anyway, if any of you have any recommendations on what to do other than the usual attractions or great places to eat, please let me know! We'll be there for 5 days. woo hoo!

Turn Your Head to The Right And Scroll Down

2010-01-10T20:25:00.002-06:00

This was the view from Mesa Verde National Park in Colorado- June 2008.

Calendar Issues

2010-01-07T01:08:00.007-06:00

Went back to work yesterday after being off for 5 weeks. I was kind of dreading it to be honest (big surprise!) but the kids were actually well behaved and dare I say it, a delight to be around. Maybe it's just because I missed them :-)

I've thought a lot about what I want to do concerning TTC. On the 23rd, I called in a Rx for birth control but I can't make myself go pick it up. I don't usually pick them up (mr. h does) but I can't seem to ask him to go get it either. I called it in when I was still on my period and thought I would take it as soon as it was over since that's when I'd need to start it but then it felt wrong to start taking BC during the holidays so I held off. Maybe next month, but I really don't know.

After the one year mark of TTC hit, I told myself that I wasn't going to go to the doctor and that I would be okay TTC on our own without medical help until the end of February. That gave us 4 more months. Well now we're down to 2 months and February doesn't seem so far off. I'm feeling a little pressured by the calendar.

For 7 months I was charting my saliva and checking for "ferns". I continued to do this and didn't see any real patterns for ovulation. According to Ovulite, there are 3 phrases of ferning. #1 is no ferns and not fertile, #2 is some ferns and somewhat fertile and #3 is lots of ferns and fertile/ovulating. In theory, around ovulation is when you would see lots of ferning. And again in theory, ovulation would occur mid month around the 15th day. Well I collected my drops of saliva first thing in the morning before eating or drinking and I would receive peak readings (#3- fertile) right after my period and it would stay that way several days in a row. I marked the days with a number 1, 2, or 3 and I had a lot of 3's all over the place but no real pattern. When I went to the doctor I told her about this and she said I was either doing it incorrectly (you spit on a slide and view it after it's dry under a microscope- what's there to mess up?) or I wasn't ovulating. I'm going with the second.

She suggested I buy a Fertility monitor (the one with pee sticks) and use it daily. I told her I used a friend's monitor and she suggested we get our own. The thing is I can't afford the monitor or the sticks! And talk about pressure. That was worse for me, which is why I started using the Ovulite in the first place. I just can't do it. I stopped charting a few weeks ago and it's been liberating. I rarely ever think about doing it, which has been nice. And I think Mr. h feels less pressured about trying to perform and making a baby. That in itself has been an issue. I minor one, but an issue in itself. This whole thing is just stressful.

We still haven't scheduled the appointment for the sem.em an.alysis. I know in my heart the problem doesn't lie in him. It made me feel better at the time thinking that I could have been the "normal" one but I know I'm not. One day at a time. One day at a time.

We did manage to get to the cemetery to see the boys. We made it out there the day after Chrsitmas. It was a beautiful day. We cleaned their headstones, wished them a Merry Christmas and gave them a kiss. Then we went to say hello a couple of their friends- Logan, Evan and Tyler. Below is the newest addition to Mr. H's villages. I love it.

I was originally thinking that I would get on BC in December take it for 2 months and get off it just in time for our anniversary. I was hoping we could make an anniversary baby but that plan is obviously out since the BC is still at the pharmacy. I may go get it and just keep it for when I feel ready to take it and then again maybe not. Maybe I won't need it.

And I know you are trying to be positive and encouraging when you say "this is [my] year" but that's hard to read because I was told that and I started to believe it LAST year. I just feel more pressure. Not your fault in the least and I thank you for being there for me. I just wish time and cycles weren't an issue. Damn the calendar.

mr. h just asked me if I was "still hopeful". I want to be and somedays I am.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T00:16:00.002-06:00

I wish you all a 2010 filled with more of the things you love and desire and lots less heartache and sorrow.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T23:11:00.001-06:00

Wishing you all the merriest of Christmases. Our babies may not be in our arms, but they are always in our hearts.

Blessings to you all,

Monica and Mr. H

Still Here

2009-12-17T00:45:00.003-06:00

Hello all. Thank you Nanny, Rachel and Sarah for emailing me to check in on me.

I guess I've struggled with what to say here. With what's important enough to say. I think about it and think about it then too much time has passed after what I was going to blog about so I just let it go and fill in the blanks with pictures.

I've been okay. Just decorating and baking and trying not to think about the fact that my boys aren't here with us and I'm not pregnant. I guess really I'm just trying to live my life without dwelling on the things that I cannot change.

I feel like an asshole because I haven't been out to see the boys since Halloween. Yes, I realize it's almost Christmas and two months later. Don't tell me that's okay and normal because while all the other kids at the cemetery have snowmen and penguins adorning their headstone mine still have withered pumpkins. It's not that I've forgotten about them, I just can't seem to make myself go.

I did have one down moment a couple weeks ago. Mr. H was putting up stockings and he pulled out some blue and white striped stockings that I bought last year at an after Christmas sale for the boys. But I forgot that I bought 3- one for Sam, one for Jack and one for the child we were supposed to have here with us this Christmas. It made me sad and I had to pack them away.

We went to the Dr. on the 5th. I decided that me avoiding making an appointment with my gyno just because I was afraid of the "secondary infertility" label was stupid. I made the appt. back in November so it gave me time to prepare. I was prepared to take notes and learn of all the things we could do to improve our chances of conception, but I left there with 3 options- in order of the doctors recommendations.

Wait it out and keep trying on our own for 6 months
Get on BC to suppress my ovaries for 3 months
Take Cl0mid

Here's what I feel about them. We could wait it out and keep trying on our own, but isn't that what we're already doing? I could have waited 6 more months before I made that appt and would that have still been her suggestion? I feel like getting on BC is taking a step backwards. I expressed this to my doctor and she said I needed to get over that mental block. My concerns were valid but that that it was less invasive than Cl0mid and it could still work. She said she'd call in a Rx for Cl0mid if I wanted but she's concerned of the risk of multiples especially with my weak cervix. If my cervix can't bear the weight of one baby how can it carry two or three?! The risk of multiples is 8%.

She also suggested we make an appt for Mr. H to get a se.men analysis. The fertility clinic was closed that after noon and we have yet to make that appt. I'm waiting to see if I get a visit from AF this month first before we waste time and money on that.

That's where I am on all that. Not much else going on. Just trying to get through the holidays and stay sane.

Wordless Wednesday- With and Without Flash

2009-12-09T01:34:00.001-06:00

Wedding Day

2009-12-08T02:38:00.004-06:00

Here are some pics of my aunts wedding. She looked really pretty. In this picture is my mom, sister, me and grandma along with the bride.

My grandpa and uncle walking her down the aisle.

I didn't realize my brother and cousin were going to be escorts in the wedding until the day before the wedding. They're just so cute. Here they are walking my grandma back to her seat after lighting the one of the candles.

And here are the bride and groom lighting the unity candle.

My beautiful sister. I didn't really get a good picture of her all dolled up but she was the prettiest one up there.

The HUGE wedding cake. If I remember correctly, the cake was vanilla and chocolate. There was a ton leftover and we brought some home but we left it with our in-laws so I didn't get any more.

The interesting grooms cake. I'm not sure what flavor it was. It was a very light pinkish peach color. It smelled like strawberry but tasted like liquor. Not sure about that one.

They were just pronounced Husband and Wife. I wish them a lifetime of health and happiness.

Exterior Illumination

2009-12-01T16:14:00.006-06:00

Mr. H loves Christmas. It's by far his favorite holiday. Not because of the presents (but those don't hurt) but because of the decorations. He loves lights and trees and sparkly shiny things. And "the bigger the better" is his motto when it comes to decorating the house. If he could get away with decorating our home like the Griswold house he would.

I love you hon, and I think you did a wonderful job!

Before:

After:

I love this little guy. We got him our first Christmas in this house. We didn't have any other decorations and we picked him up on a whim right before Christmas for 50% off at Albertson's. He's just so cute!

A closer look...

Happy Holidays!

Components

2009-11-29T00:00:00.002-06:00

The Day After

2009-11-27T17:57:00.001-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T21:24:00.006-06:00

from these two turkeys :-)

ETA: These cookies were purchased from Cookies & Cups.

Graffiti

2009-11-23T01:29:00.005-06:00

Do you know where I am?

Here's another hint...

Cadillac Ranch! Mr. H and I went to Cadillac Ranch the day of the wedding to kill some time. The ceremony wasn't until 7:30 so we fooled around most of the day and made a pit stop at the ranch.

Off historic Route 66 are 10 Cadillacs half buried nose down in a wheat field. They range in years from 1948-1963 and have been a roadside attraction since 1974.

Over the years they have been graffitied and are currently caked in paint inches deep mutating the original lines of the car. It's really neat to see but it's kind of sad too. It's like a graveyard of sorts for these old Caddy's.

In 2002, they restored the vehicles to their original colors but were eventually covered up again. One year later, in 2003, the Caddy's were painted black to represent the passing of one of the founding members of art installation.

More recently, the cars were painted yellow.

We were just there to check things out and to take pictures but there were 2 lovely ladies that handed us a can of spray paint and rubber gloves so Mr. H made his mark.

It's official, we're a part of Cadillac Ranch history. He wrote the boys names too but they didn't come out so clearly.

It was fun and I can't believe that I used to live in that part of the country and never made it there. I'm glad we were able to go together.

Peace and love,

Monica

Road Trip

2009-11-21T00:51:00.004-06:00

Mr. H and I went to my aunt's (I almost typed funeral ha ha!) wedding last weekend. It was kind of an emotional time for me. I was sad, I was happy, I was mad, I was relieved. More on that later, but here are some photos from our 8 hour drive up there.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Wordless Wednesday- Traffic Light Tomatoes

2009-11-11T00:57:00.000-06:00

A Beautiful Man

2009-11-05T21:57:00.001-06:00

I love you Babe.

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T02:31:00.001-05:00

An Explanation

2009-10-30T12:59:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry for the last post. Well not really sorry, but I didn't mean to make any of you feel like I didn't appreciate your friendship. Sarah, you in particular.

I just get in my ruts, at least a couple times a month, where I feel let down by the world. It's a stupid selfish feeling and it's all because I can't have what I want. I know that you can all relate.

I just feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck sometimes. Looking at me you couldn't tell, but my spirit is crushed. I feel defeated. I know that some of you can relate to what I'm feeling at this very moment and some of you have no idea what's running through my mind. And that's okay. My last post wasn't meant to be a roll call to see who actually read my blog, but it did confirm who doesn't. And that hurts a little.

It just seems that everyday is a roller coaster ride for me. I'm up and I'm down. I cry then I'm over it and move on. I'm exaggerating a little bit. Not every day is like this but enough to make a difference. According to my boss there's a "baby explosion" happening in this country. And she feels the need to tell me weekly about all her pregnant friends and family, including the one who is pregnant with twins and is naming them Juan Pablo and Pablo Juan (no lie). Every week. "Everyone is just getting pregnant!" Well no, not everyone. I haven't told her what's going on with us because I don't want her to know our business and I don't need the questions that follow. And just think if I had told her a year ago when we started TTC, there would be questions, and feeling sorry for me. And would it make her think twice about opening up her mouth about all the preggos of the world? Probably not.

It's not just her friends that are pregnant either. It's everywhere. It's on many many blogs that I read too which makes me want to shut the laptop and never open it back up. But then I remember that you all are my support system and that would be like turning my back on you and that's not fair. At the same time, it hurts to read some of your blogs. I can't relate at this moment to your parenting problems, or your crying babies and sleepless nights. I can't relate to your growing bellies and that renewed excitement. I can't relate to your nausea so please excuse me if I don't read or comment on your blogs as much. I try, I really do. I subscribe to 130 blogs and I try and read all of them when updated, but sometimes I open up my reader and I'm stuck at the first paragraph unable to read any further. It's paralyzing for me. But know I'm still here.

That's all for now. I just felt like I needed to explain myself a little better. There have been other things but mostly the feeling of being lapped again. I feel like I'm in a different category all together. I just want others who can relate and tell me I'm not alone. I want others who struggle just the same and while I know they're out there it doesn't make me feel any better. As Rachel said, there isn't anything you can do to change my situation or make me feel better. I don't expect you to, because I don't even know how to help myself.

It just seems that my life is one big waiting game while the rest of the world moves on and lives their life. I want to move on and live my life too and I'm not sure how to do that.

Presence

2009-10-29T23:16:00.004-05:00

I realize it's been a couple weeks since I last posted but it's not like anyone reads this anymore anyway, well except for maybe two of you. Thank you Kristi and Nanny for checking in one me. I've had a lot going through my mind the past week or so but the thoughts have been my own. I felt fine keeping them to myself ...sort of.

I have emailed a couple friends and I confided in another friend in person. At this point I don't really want or need to talk about what's going on but I felt I owed you (or the vast universe) an update. So here I am. Hello. how are you?

I find myself really thinking about the boys lately. I've always associated the signs of Fall- pumpkins, Autumn leaves and Halloween with Jack. I've never understood why I connected the two because Jack was born in February. But I think the connection is rather obvious now that I think of it.

We found out we were pregnant with Jack right after Halloween 2006. Right after this picture was taken :-) His name is part of Jack-o-lanterns and every time I see one or hear someone say the word, I think of my boy.

In fact when we went to pick out our pumpkins last week and I was so excited to be there. Pumpkins in all their orange globe glory make me smile. When we walked into the pumpkin patch there was a woman taking a picture of her two boys on the hay stacks with the mini pumpkins. that was a little rough, but I turned a blind eye and walked to the other side to find my perfect pumpkins. Then I heard that same woman call for her son "Jack" to come sit with his brother to take a picture. That was a stab in the heart and a few tears were shed in the middle of the pumpkin patch.

Then of course there's always the blog that you click on only to find out she's pregnant with a boy named Sam who's due at any moment now.

I have a hard time deciphering between the presence of my sons and the world just being a cruel place.

While The Feelings Are Still Fresh

2009-10-14T17:47:00.002-05:00

I've had tender breasts for 2 weeks.
I thought this months could be it. Where have you heard that before?
I didn't want to say it outloud for risk of jinxing myself or being disappointed and looking/feeling like an asshole later on.
I sat and fed Baby M today and admired his sweet face.
I wondered if I would be feeding my own 10 month old in a year and a half.
I was waiting for a few more days to test.
I was dreaming about what a nice quiet and private weekend Mr. H and I would have together to relish in our news.
News that I made up in my head.
I was thinking about quitting my job, and what a perfect time it would be since I have off the entire month of December anyway.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing the "bad" underwear.
The same pair of underwear I have worn and gotten a visit from Aunt Flo for the last 4 months.
I vowed to myself to throw them away once I got home.
I went to the bathroom before I left work and...well you know.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like an idiot.
Why can't I do this?!
What am I doing wrong?!
Did I mention that this is our 12 month of trying?
I'm afraid of the secondary infertility title.
I don't want the extra burden or expense.
Why is this so difficult?
I feel worthless. Utterly worthless.

Please don't tell me you're sorry.

Family

2009-10-07T21:10:00.007-05:00

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that a friend of mine took our family photos. Well I got them today and I absolutely love them. Like big puffy heart love them!

Lori, you are so incredibly talented. Thank you so much!

If you live in central Texas and need family photos I highly recommend you contact Lori asap!

A Broken Heart

2009-10-02T14:46:00.005-05:00

Please take a moment to visit Ms. G. She needs our support right now, more than ever.

Thinking of a friend on her birthday...(Updated)

2009-10-01T00:53:00.012-05:00

Update: Well I'm a dope and got my dates mixed up. Kristi and Sara's birthday is tomorrow. Kristi, that just means you get double the love!

And a special happy 2nd birthday to Andy!

Kristi, you and Sara are on my mind and in my heart today.

Miss you,
Monica

_________________________________________________

P.S. Did anyone else catch C.SI: New Y.ork last night? In the beginning when the guys car broke down in a bad part of town, he calls for help and tells him he's by Jack & Sam's Storage.

That made me smile :-)

Happenings

2009-09-24T00:54:00.005-05:00

Not much going on lately, which I guess is a good thing.

On Saturday we went to the capitol and took family pictures. Actually my talented friend, Lori, took our pictures. We had great fun though it was a little humid. I can't wait to see how they turned out! We haven't taken a family photo (mom and siblings) since my sister was about 9 months old. She is now 23! Crazy huh? I'd say it was about time for another. This time my little brother, my step dad and my hubs were all there too. I'll share them with you when I get them. Thanks again Lori!

After our photo shoot we went to the RV show. Don't laugh. I'd love to get an RV and travel with the pets. Oh, that would be so much fun, don't you think? Especially this time of year when the leaves are changing and it's getting cooler.

After the RV show we went to dinner at Out.back Steakhouse. We were going to go somewhere else but I remembered how good and garlicky their Caesar salad was, so that's where we went. When we were seated at our table they had a laminated booklet of appetizers and desserts propped open on the table showing 2 pages.

On the right page was a picture of a birthday cake and candle that said "It's Jack's Birthday!". As I sat down, I saw the other page that was an ad for Sam A.dams Beer. I smiled at Mr. H sitting across the table from me- both our boys were right there with us for dinner.

Afterwards we went to see a movie- Love H.appens. It was much more different than I expected. I knew that A.aron Ec.hart's wife in the movie died then he later met J.ennifer A.niston's character and fell in love. Kinda. His wife did die and he did meet another woman but it was so much more than that. In the movie he wrote a self-help book for those who were grieving the loss of a loved one. 90% of the movie is about him trying to help others deal with their losses when he hasn't even dealt with his own loss.

A father in the movie lost his son and he blames himself. The feelings that they portrayed were so real and took me back to those days. The blame, the guilt, the desperation. Of course it all had a happy ending but it wasn't so much of a love story/romance as one would expect. I think A.aron Eck.hart was brilliant in this movie but just know it's not one for a first date. And don't forget your tissues.

On another note, I am making sugar cut-out cookies and cupcakes for a "welcome baby" party this weekend. You may remember that I told you about A's friend who was pregnant with twins until one (Luci) died. Well the surviving twin is doing well and growing like a weed. I haven't seen her but I've been told she looks like a "normal" newborn baby. Her due date was in August but since she was born a little early she had to stay in the hospital for several weeks. She is home now and has been for a month or so they're having a welcome/meet the baby party for her this Sunday. I was invited but I don't think I'll go. It just doesn't feel right.