Hallo-Weiners

"Thank.you.your.house.is.pretty.Happy.Halloween...waitformeeeeeeee"

I love kids! I let the kids pick two candies from the bowl, one red headed step child (about 5 years old) came up grabbed a handful (5 or 6) smiled at me with his "I get away with murder" grin and ran off!

But I can't wait til it's our turn :)

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween My Loves!

I hope you like your JACK-O-lantern :}

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I carved this pumpkin and lit it up with battery

operated tea lights to take to the boys at the cemetery.

Is that a ghost?

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Nope, It's Autumn outside on her potty break in the pitch black night.

I was taking pictures of the moon and I snapped this one of her.

Spooky, huh?

In Character

Goldilocks & Speedracer

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Halloween 2006

Abracadabra

These Abracadabra roses are truly MAGICal !

Life and Death

I have a few things to talk about and some complaining to do (what else is new?) but we'll start off on a good note.

This is a bloom from our Bradford Pear tree we planted in honor of Sam and Jack in April over Arbor Day weekend. We chose a pear because of the beautiful white blooms, even though it doesn't bear fruit. I have been worried about it, because it's still a young tree and we have such rocky soil in our neighborhood, but it is still thriving in October. Mr. H spotted the first bloom a couple of weeks ago. Isn't it simply beautiful?


Okay, my in-laws and Mr. H went to a green building seminar this weekend. They are custom home builders, so it was beneficial to them to learn something new by saving energy and the environment. After the 8 hour class at the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center, they came back to our house. I don't mind when they come over, but I feel like the house is never clean enough, or it's too cold (75 degrees) or something. They always find something to pick at and it drives me nuts. They came over and my MIL fell asleep on the couch, so my FIL paced around the house (I don't know why). We have more than one place to sit, but he didn't sit. Instead, he made comments on our dirty toilet (I didn't clean the master because I didn't think they would be using that toilet. I only cleaned the guest bathroom), the smudges on our back door, he wiped crumbs off our counter tops and opened the fridge a few times, then adjusted the thermostat after putting his jacket on. "Sit down!", is all I wanted to say to him. Then when my MIL woke up she says, "Do you want your plant to die?" I asked her which plant she was referring to and she said "The ivy dying in the kitchen." Ugh!!! They drive me nuts. I know this plant needs to be replanted, but I haven't done it, because I don't have a pot to replant it in and I keep forgetting to get one. It looks sad and I know that but when I tried to tell her that I am going to replant it, she said "Well some water would help in the meantime." I have watered it, but their isn't enough soil in the over sized plastic container it is in to make a difference. It doesn't have a drainage hole and it collects too much water and gets soggy. (It was a gift given to us when Jack died that had about 6 different plants thrown together in one pot. I replanted the others and ran out of pots.) Every time she comes over she not-so slyly sticks her bony finger in my plants to check to see if they're watered. I know she does this and I've called her out on it and she makes a joke out of it. I don't think it's funny. I do not have a green thumb, but I am trying to do the best I can and she makes me want to kill them just so I can get her off my back. When I know they are coming over and I don't have time to properly water and drain them, I'll pour a glass of water in the pots, just so they won't be dry. She then says I am over watering. I can't win.

On another note, my step dad's mother passed away last Thursday (10/25) from cancer. She has been fighting this battle for a while and now she is no longer suffering. She had cancer of the perineum (that band of skin between your vagina and your anus). They did two surgeries to remove the tumor, but they couldn't get it all out. They removed much of her tissue 'down there' leaving a void and had to give her a colostomy to use the bathroom. The cancer spread to her kidneys, liver, lungs, then into her throat. As of last Tuesday (10/16) she wasn't able to swallow anymore, so on top of being in pain, she was hungry and thirsty too. They could have given her an IV or feeding tube, but that would have only prolonged the agony. Hospice was there by her side to try to make her as comfortable as possible. Despite the constant morphine being given to her every 15 minutes, she was still hurting. I am so glad she is not suffering anymore. I can't even begin to imagine what she went through. The funeral was this morning and many friends and family were present to show their love and support.

Carolina L. Garza

Ocober 23, 1921-October 25, 2007

Pumpkin Patch Picture Post

I LOVE PUMPKINS!

Mr. H and I went to The Sweet Berry Farm to pick pumpkins on Tuesday. I have been waiting all month long to go do this but it has been so hot outside. Tuesday was an absolute perfect day- high around 70 degrees, breezy and not a single cloud in the sky. I was in love with that day. We saw many types of gourds including big, small, short, fat, tall, round, bumpy, smooth, colorful pumpkins to crooked necked squash and marbled Indian corn. We ate pumpkin pie ice cream (yummy!) fed the goats, and admired the donkeys and horses. Here are some photos of our afternoon at the pumpkin patch. Enjoy!

I hope you enjoyed the photos I took of Autumn's glorious bounty!

Hide & Seek

Where's August?

There's August!

"I was hiding, Mom!"

My favorite kind of Prego

Ah, yes pregnant smokers (my favorite topic). Mr. H and I went to see Kristi in the hospital a few days ago after she gave birth to Ethan. As we walked out there was a woman (huge woman) walking out in the parking lot wearing a hospital gown. I felt badly because I realized we had parked in the "expectant mothers" parking and this woman was walking further than we parked. Then as we got closer to our car I smelled cigarette smoke, but I didn't smell smoke on her as she walked past us. I jokingly said to Mr. H that she was on her cigarette break, only I did not see one in her hand. She was holding her keys so I thought she was taking a trip to her car and getting fresh air. As we pulled out of our parking space, she started puffing away. UUUGGGHHH! Are you sure it's not okay to judge? No, I don't know her story but she could be killing her child. Bitch!

By the way, why do people feel okay with telling me they are pregnant. I am trying to be excited for them, but it sometimes takes time. I have had 4 people tell me they are pregnant within the last 2 1/2 weeks. That's a lot! I am getting better than I used to be. I am not so emotional about it, but when I want it so badly it makes it even tougher.

Thanks Kristi for reminding me of women like this.

My name is Monica...

...and I judge people. (all the voices say, "Welcome Monica")

Mr. H and I went to the mall today. I haven't been to the mall in several months, maybe even a year. Anyway, we went because he needed to buy a new pair of dress pants for the anniversary ceremony next month and to get a couple pair of pants hemmed. The alteration place that I really like closed but we were able to get some black slacks.

Between walking from the now-closed alteration shop and the department store, I walked past three young girls, one of which was about 6 months pregnant. It was obvious she is still a teenager, maybe 15 or 16 years old. She certainly looked like it with the exception of her growing belly. I took a few steps before I made a comment (did you think I would let that one go?) I looked at Mr. H and said "Now why is it the ones who want and deserve a child, don't get one, but girls like her who can't take care of one get one?" He was very quick to put me in my place and I didn't like it. He said "Don't judge her, you don't know her story." That really pissed me off, because I wanted him to agree with me and he didn't. But he's right. Who am I to judge her for being in the position she is in? At least she didn't have an abortion, right? I don't know her story and I don't really care to, but it makes me wonder. I have read and have been told that after losing a baby, you shouldn't judge expecting mother's or be jealous of them, because you don't know their story. You don't know what they've had to go through to get where they are. I agree with this statement. I tell myself this often, but today it totally slipped my mind. All I could do was judge her and I didn't even have to think about doing it. It just came out.

Is this what losing a baby (or two) has done to me? Am I now a jealous mean" judger" of people I don't even know? I don't want to be this person.

An Update...

...on the deaths of Michael and Kathryn Adams. This is information from one of their daughters revealing more details about her parents untimely death.

"The water service in their area of Tunis, Tunisia had been off for a number of hours prior to their retiring for the night. They had, according to the investigatory report, apparently left a faucet in the "on" position. Carbon monoxide traveled through the pipe and caused their deaths."

"If the deaths of Michael and Kathi lead to the prevention of another tragedy, then they will not have died in vain. Mike and Kathi were beautiful people who touched many lives. Through their 28 years of service in the field of education, they influenced and enriched the lives of children in many areas of the world. We will miss them."

A Memorial Service is being held in Tucson on Sunday to honor their lives. Please visit The American Red Cross/Carbon Monoxide Awareness Program or your local Fire Department to learn how to prevent carbon monoxide asphyxiation . Make sure that your home, and those of your loved ones is equipped with Carbon Monoxide Detectors.

Miscellaneous Rambling

I learned today that my MIL's cousin and his wife were killed in Africa. They have been there for several years teaching at an American school. Their bodies were just discovered after being dead in their home over the weekend. The article says it was carbon monoxide asphyxiation, but others believe it was intentional. Their home in the US is in Tuscon, AZ where the funeral will be held this Sunday. Please keep their family in your prayers.

Mr. H came home with a bunch of goodies yesterday. He was helping his parents clean out their garage and brought home this huge toy chest his father made for him as a kiddo. It is still filled with a bunch of toys. I just opened the lid and found S.noopy, a bag full of fake groceries, a hard hat, some S.triderite shoes with jingle bells on them, etc. They are so cute. He is such a pack rat and won't throw anything away. And what's amazing is that most of his stuff is still at his parents house. It's nice to have that kind of stuff though. I don't have anything from my childhood. It was all sold at garage sales. We never saved anything. I do have a chest and a headboard my Dad bought me when I was little. That may have been the only thing he ever bought (although, I'm sure he bitched about it). He always thought that the $65 in child support for my brother and I was sufficient enough to support us. Cheap skate, I spend that on a haircut. Enough about him, I don't want this to turn into an angry post.

So I got my freakin'** period. I was excited to get it, because that just confirmed that I am not going through early menopause. I really thought I was. I had all the symptoms. Anyway, it sucks and I feel like crap. I am bloated and I feel like my hoo-ha is gonna fall out. It feels heavy. I know that's weird, but it does. All I can say is "thank God for elastic waisted pants." I have had yucky headaches and cramps and have to keep going to the bathroom. I feel like this is the first period after giving birth. I wonder how long it will last? Mine don't usually last very long (about 3-4 days), but I haven't had one in 3 months, so it may last a little longer. Not so excited about that, but at least I don't have to stress/worry about it anymore. On another note, I get to use the fertility monitor a friend let me borrow. I'm kinda excited about it. We're not going to start trying until January, but for now I have a new toy to pee on, I mean play with :)

I have spoken to another doctor and I will have an appointment with her as soon as she receives and looks over my medical records from my previous doc. This doctor came highly recommended from several people, so I called to schedule a consult only to find out she only sees pregnant people. She's not a gynecologist. That kinda sucks, because if I like her and I choose her as my OB, I will still have to find a gyno too. She suggested I go see a perinatologist before I go see her, but I already have, so I don't have to wait as long to see her. I hope I like her and she can help us bring home a baby. I'm keeping my fingers,toes, arms and legs crossed. I was just thinking today, if I had started taking the bc pills like the other quack suggested, I would have missed another period. I'm so glad I ignored her. I wrote her an email telling her that I was not going to reschedule with her because I didn't think we clicked and that I didn't appreciate her assuming I was her new patient when I made it specifically clear I was there for a consult. I wanted to know how she would treat me. I didn't expect her to send me home with a sample pack of Y.az and call in a prescription for me. Her nurse asked if there was anything they could have done better. All I said was that I appreciated their time, but that their practice was not for me. I keep getting tougher, woo-hoo! Although I am still passive, because I didn't do it while I was there, I waited to send her an email instead. I absolutely hate confrontations. I avoid them at all costs.

I went to the cemetery on Sunday to give Sam and Jack and all his friends little pumpkins. I ran out of pumpkins so I'll have to go back to take a few more to some other family and friends of ours. I feel like it's the least I can do to celebrate Autumn with them. Anyway, last year I bought Sam a mini snow globe with W.innie the P.ooh in it to take out to the cemetery. This year I pulled it out of his memory box to take back to the cemetery and I also bought a slightly different one to take to Jack. I set them aside while we were cleaning the headstones so they wouldn't get damaged and my brother went to go look at them and dropped Sam's and broke it. On the way to the cemetery I kept thinking that I could get them a new one every year and start them a collection. It would be like collecting baseball cards, only much cooler. Then he dropped it and broke it. I know it was an accident, but.... I wouldn't have minded if he broke Jacks, because I could have replaced that one. They still make those. But I can't replace the one I got Sam last year. It was only a couple dollars, but it was his and I am very attached to anything that belongs to him. The glass broke and the glitter and water are gone, but I was able to keep the base even though P.oohs leg got broken. I'll keep it in his memory box anyway. It's not a big deal, but it is.

Sorry for so much rambling and thanks for reading this long post.

**HA! I always spellcheck my posts before I publish them, and the spelling alternate for "freakin' " was " foreskin". You should try it.

Hallelujah!

My period is finally here !!!

A 40th Anniversary Gift

It seems lately I can't do anything on my own, so I'm calling out for help again.

We are invited to attend a 40th wedding anniversary next month, where the happy couple will renew their vows to each other. They are my MIL's cousin and his wife. I don't know how exactly they are related to me, but they are really great and very special people. He is the chief of police and she is a stay at home mom. All their children are grown up now and she and her husband take care of each other.

This event we are attending is also an early celebration of Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer that has taken over a large part of her body last August and they don't expect her to make it to the end of the year. We are all praying and remaining optimistic that she does, but just in case she doesn't, she will get to enjoy the holidays just as well.

She receives chemo every week and spends a great deal of her time in the hospital in pain. He does his best to show her she is loved and that he is there for her. She is a sweet, thoughtful lady who takes care of others around her, prepares all the meals for family gatherings, and loves her children and grandchildren immensely. He is a generous, kind hearted man that will do anything for anyone. They are givers.

My in-laws and Mr. H and I are flying up to see them next month. We have a couple ideas for gifts for them, but we don't want to give them something sad or impractical. No dust collectors either. I'm drawing a blank. Since we are flying, if it's not packable, we would have to ship it in advance. Has anyone been in this situation before? All suggestions would be helpful. Thanks.

Welcome Peanut!

Ethan James
October 11, 2007
10:17 pm
8 lbs. 14.5 oz.
21 inches long
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Congratulations Kristi and Josh!

He is absolutely beautiful!

Not My Style

I went to see one of the docs on my list and I don't really like her. In fact, she pissed me off. I went in for a consult. I made that specifically clear. I got to my appointment about 5 mins. til and had to fill out a countless number of new patient forms (which I wasn't aware of or I would have gotten there earlier or filled them out online). I asked if that was necessary for a consult and she said yes, that they were required for all new patients. Fine. I went back about 20 minutes later than my appt. time and they took my stats, then the doctor came in. She said she wanted to put me on birth control. Hello? I'm kinda trying to avoid that! She thought it was best to put me on them for 3 whole months, then if necessary put me on Clomid to "super" ovulate. She asked when me were wanting to try again and we said January. She said to take the bc til Jan, then we could try in February. Why did she even ask if she wasn't going to listen to me anyway? Then she gave me a printout to take to a lab to have my blood drawn and tested for several things, then suggested I come back to see her in 2 weeks. Um, is she my doctor now? I thought this was a consult. I'm pissed and irritated and I don't like her style very much. Did I mention this was an all African American practice. And no office waiting area would be complete without a current monthly subscription to E.bony J.et M.agazine. On one of the covers of this magazine which I was tempted to steal (purely for shits and giggles) was an article about a black woman's survival guide on an all white campus. There should have been an article for a white woman surviving an all black medical office. I'm not racist, I was just very uncomfortable in her office. Hopefully other consults will be better.

I Need Help.

I have narrowed my search down to 3 women and I need your help. All take my insurance and have been recommended by other doctors, nurses and friends of mine. They all work with high risk pregnancies which I will need once I get there. We will start trying again in January but for now I need to figure out why I haven't had a period in 3 months. I have no clue what kind of questions to ask these people. Should I call, email or visit them in person to ask the questions? What does one look for when making such a huge decision? I didn't really choose my other doctors, they just sort of fell into place. When I was pregnant with Sam, I made an appointment with a man who my family doctor recommended. He was great, but with Jack I switched to the doctor that was on call Sam when he died. I like her, but she is not qualified to treat me. I had to figure that out the hard way. Anyway, this is a huge thing for me because I want to get it right. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to look for or ask these future doctors. I'm stressing out about it and can't manage to figure it out on my own. If anyone wants the websites to these women's practices in order to make an educated decision, just email me and I'll send them over to you. Thanks!

While I'm asking for help, does anyone on blog spot know how to highlight and link to something in your post. Example: I'm looking for a doctor. Only the word "doctor" would be highlighted and underlined and when you click on it, it would take you to another website. I don't know what this called and I feel dumb for asking, but I have tried to figure it out and can't seem to get it. I know how to create a link on this blog to connect to other blogs and such, but I don't know how to incorporate it while I'm writing an entry. Thanks again!

Here's the 411 on 511

Need help getting pregnant? Just stop by your local H.ome D.epot and pick a quart or gallon (by far a better value) of 511 I.mpregnator. It has "penetrating" qualities and only costs as little 2 cents a square foot! Brought to you by Miracle Products :)


Instrucciones en espanol tambien!
***Do not try this at home!***

A Better Life.

Do you ever wish you could leave you life behind and start over? Or move far away and become someone else? Have different responsibilities, or better yet, no responsibilities? I just want a redo. I want a real life get out of jail card. "Jail" being my current state. I don't really have it that bad. I know there are starving children and homeless people all across the world and I'm not comparing my state of misery to theirs. I just wish that I could do things over- better.

Some people say that they don't have any regrets, because everything happens for a reason. I agree with this to a point. I do believe everything happens for a reason, but I still have regrets. I regret not being able to save my children that my body destroyed. I'm glad they are a part of my life, but part of me wishes that I had never gotten pregnant with them. I don't say this because I'm selfish but because I feel like they deserved better and I let them down. I know I would have been a great mother to them. I would have tried my best, anyway. But I feel that if they were born to someone else, they could have had a life. A better life.

I know I didn't ask for this to happen. No one does. I don't blame myself (entirely) for our children dying and neither does my husband. But if he were married to someone else, he too, could have had a better life. He didn't ask to be married to a nut case who couldn't reproduce. Why does he have to suffer? He of course would say that he is not suffering and that he loves me, but he didn't/doesn't deserve this. I know it's "for better or worse...", but why was he dealt the worst. This is the worst. Why is this our life?

I often wonder: "If this wasn't my life, where would I be? What would I do with all my time that I am currently spending grieving? Would I be happy being someone else? Doing something else? Living a different life?

I am grateful for my life and ALL that I have. I thank God everyday for my MANY blessings. I TRY not to take people and things for granted. I just wish sometimes that some things were different- better.

A Special Day

Happy Birthday to an angel in Heaven and her Momma here on Earth.

Sara Elizabeth
October 2, 2006- born at 10:22 p

Kristi
October 2
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Sara we miss you and wish you were here. Thank you for letting us share this special day with you.

Critter-licious

My dear friend of mine, Monica, gave birth to her baby boy yesterday afternoon and he is absolutely delicious. Mr. H and I visited them in the hospital last night and he slept the entire time. He and his parents are happy and healthy and resting as much as they can before they take him home. Yay! I don't want to give out the name or birth details, because that's her job as a proud Momma. Congratulations Monica we are so happy for you! I've never seen you this happy before. (This photo of the sun setting was taken on October 1, 2007- the day Critter entered the world)