Mr. H and I went to my aunt's (I almost typed funeral ha ha!) wedding last weekend. It was kind of an emotional time for me. I was sad, I was happy, I was mad, I was relieved. More on that later, but here are some photos from our 8 hour drive up there.
I'm sorry for the last post. Well not really sorry, but I didn't mean to make any of you feel like I didn't appreciate your friendship. Sarah, you in particular.
I just get in my ruts, at least a couple times a month, where I feel let down by the world. It's a stupid selfish feeling and it's all because I can't have what I want. I know that you can all relate.
I just feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck sometimes. Looking at me you couldn't tell, but my spirit is crushed. I feel defeated. I know that some of you can relate to what I'm feeling at this very moment and some of you have no idea what's running through my mind. And that's okay. My last post wasn't meant to be a roll call to see who actually read my blog, but it did confirm who doesn't. And that hurts a little.
It just seems that everyday is a roller coaster ride for me. I'm up and I'm down. I cry then I'm over it and move on. I'm exaggerating a little bit. Not every day is like this but enough to make a difference. According to my boss there's a "baby explosion" happening in this country. And she feels the need to tell me weekly about all her pregnant friends and family, including the one who is pregnant with twins and is naming them Juan Pablo and Pablo Juan (no lie). Every week. "Everyone is just getting pregnant!" Well no, not everyone. I haven't told her what's going on with us because I don't want her to know our business and I don't need the questions that follow. And just think if I had told her a year ago when we started TTC, there would be questions, and feeling sorry for me. And would it make her think twice about opening up her mouth about all the preggos of the world? Probably not.
It's not just her friends that are pregnant either. It's everywhere. It's on many many blogs that I read too which makes me want to shut the laptop and never open it back up. But then I remember that you all are my support system and that would be like turning my back on you and that's not fair. At the same time, it hurts to read some of your blogs. I can't relate at this moment to your parenting problems, or your crying babies and sleepless nights. I can't relate to your growing bellies and that renewed excitement. I can't relate to your nausea so please excuse me if I don't read or comment on your blogs as much. I try, I really do. I subscribe to 130 blogs and I try and read all of them when updated, but sometimes I open up my reader and I'm stuck at the first paragraph unable to read any further. It's paralyzing for me. But know I'm still here.
That's all for now. I just felt like I needed to explain myself a little better. There have been other things but mostly the feeling of being lapped again. I feel like I'm in a different category all together. I just want others who can relate and tell me I'm not alone. I want others who struggle just the same and while I know they're out there it doesn't make me feel any better. As Rachel said, there isn't anything you can do to change my situation or make me feel better. I don't expect you to, because I don't even know how to help myself.
It just seems that my life is one big waiting game while the rest of the world moves on and lives their life. I want to move on and live my life too and I'm not sure how to do that.
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